finding meaning

I’m going to talk about some identifying information in a bit, but first on that;

I’ve been writing on here for a few years now. For the first year I’d guess I posted maybe once or twice, responded as many times. I was very concerned about privacy issues regarding doxing, and to discuss my desire to die, I’m going to say some things I would never want to be associated with my real name. As such, I have community here, while having an outside life that doesn’t have to know. So, it becomes more comfortable as I find others of similar philosophy such that I can mask my syntax from that of the other me.

I’m an Eagle Scout. I appreciate that some people are less than aware of scouting, or maybe only vaguely familiar with it. Boy Scouts is(or was, depending on attitude) an education program for young people. It seeks to teach good stewardship and leadership in people with potential. It’s kind of like ROTC, which I didn’t do because there wasn’t time for that. I dated an ROTC girl….. married a non ROTC girl….. divorced……. married ROTC girl. Heh, never made that connection before. Fun.

in fact, gosh darn, there’s nothing quite as sexy as a girl that can march! Might just be for me.

Anyway, so when I’m this low I get philosophic; why do I do as I do? I have options.

I think I have an oversized obsession with power and control. I fight it, but if let go I would ride the backs of my soldiers to social war with the concept of sloppy. Yet the common outcome of my self loathing is that I consider myself a poor leader, even when I’m the most trained in the room, that self doubt pervailes. I’m now once again the most informed person in many rooms, but that’s my ego going off. You’ve got to believe yourself less than perfect, or you are too proud. Less than perfect is too complimentary, try imperfect? No. Maybe troubled? No. _FLAWED_ Ding! Ding! We’ve got a winner!

Shame could be our currency, my social class is so ridden with it!

So, I’m trying to find my place. I was given a path to high powered jobs, but they couldn’t give me agency, I self destruct without agency and the ability to choose. Like, they only hire educated people to the job, yet they also only hire people willing to be debased on a daily basis (that rolls off the tongue, huh?) Some people might emerge from schools with some semblance of a desire to self such that this policy may be a flaw in this approach.

In the near future I’m going to freelance. work as little as I can get away with. Go swimming, hiking, biking, boating. tend my garden, hopefully tend some kids too. A few animals around, not too many, but enough. I don’t really care, at this point further training will only drag me away from that which I desire most; a full life, a fully lived life. That’s my ideal, my city on a hill.