Last night I dreamt again about the only girl who ever cared for me. Not the only girl who was into me, but the only one who got close enough for me to really feel it. She often flits in and out of my dreams, though last night was particularly vivid.
I think what stands out is the memory of what it’s like to be around someone who cares about you like that. The feeling of having someone there who’s on your side, looking out for you, who actually likes you as a person – that’s been so rare in my life. To know that someone else is aware of you whenever you’re around, to be that significant to another human being, to not feel alone. It was just this sudden burst of happiness. I miss that feeling so fucking much.
I woke up desperate to recapture it, full of mad thoughts of finding her again. But it’s not about her – it’s about me. I haven’t seen her in 15 years. I doubt she ever thinks of me. I hope she’s happily married with kids. I know she’d be disgusted by what I’ve become since.
She’s just a placeholder in a part of my subconscious, a face and a memory to represent the desperate longing for that kind of closeness with another person. She’s part of my brain screaming at me ‘We need to find this again, you fucking dumbass’. To not feel alone anymore…God, that would be so nice.
I want to go back in time, and knock some sense into my younger self. To really make him appreciate how lucky he was to have somebody who was interesting, funny and clever caring about him like that. Perhaps there’s an alternate universe where I didn’t screw it up.
But now I’ve made it impossible for myself to feel close to another human being. To ever open up and let anyone in. To be real. I have no relationships, connections, social life. I’m effectively dead already. Parts of my subconscious just haven’t realized it yet.
7 comments
Did u ever make an effort to locate her on fb or google search? What happened to where u guys stopped bein close?
I googled her a while back, out of curiosity (no results). She gradually got sick of my shit over the years and moved on. By the end I think she mostly just felt sorry for me.
I doubt she felt sorry for you. Maybe she felt like the “relationship” was 1 sided. Guys tend to be non chalant and women percieve it as bein blown off and then they search for someone who cares and slowly drift outta the picture. (Speaking from experience)
I think it was probably a bit of both. I remember her seeing me sitting all alone before a match and making a point of coming over to sit by me (she’d moved on and found a new guy by that point.) It was clearly a pity thing (I cut a pretty pathetic figure.) She just seemed kind of sad to see me so isolated. It may have been the last time we talked.
She was always the one that instigated everything though. I just didn’t have my head together enough to show that I cared. I took her for granted.
The 1s we take for granted are the 1s who haunt us the most. You def need some closure with this 1.
Don’t think there’s any closure to be had. She was great, but like I said, it’s not about her, it’s about me. She’s just the last person I felt that level of care from, so she’s stuck in my subconscious.
I’d guess that you will always hold a special place in her heart, no matter what. Her opinion of you might be different if she knew the you that causes you so much distress, but the memories of the past would temper that. Just sayin’.