I woke this morning filled with irrational hatred. Wanting to destroy the whole world, and everyone in it. It’s a familiar feeling. There’s no logic or justifiable grievance behind it. No one has ever wronged me severely enough to provoke such feelings. If I were to explain it, I would put it down to some kind of suppressed narcissistic rage. A primeval fury at being denied that which I feel entitled to.
I drift back and forth between dream and consciousness, gripped in this negative state. Slowly the parts of me charged with functioning kick into gear. But a shadow is cast over my day. What am I doing here in this world, if deep down all I want is to hurt, control, and exploit others? Why aren’t I pursuing some scheme to realize my wicked fantasies? Alternatively, why aren’t I killing myself, to end this terrible sense of wrongness in me?
All my plans for the day are gone. What is any of it for? I don’t care about anything, or anyone. So why try? Why do anything? Because of fear that it will get worse if I don’t? So why not end it?
How could I ever let anyone into my life when I’m like this? And what might I do to them if I did?
2 comments
Anger is the most uncomfortable feeling of all. I get how u feel.
Let your darkness roam your thoughts when you can control your actions and you won’t need to control your actions when your darkness roams your thoughts. I always make time to pet my demons for a few minutes here and there to keep them tame.