I hate being shamed for the last resort, that I could think of. It’s not right. Most people get weird about selfharm. It’s what someone does, when a walk or ten different distractions didn’t help. I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t let yet another day go by, without leaving a trace of it feeling just horrible.
Nothing extraordinary happened to me today. Maybe it never did. But there’s days that are harder to come by and I don’t know why. I wake up and I already get a sense, on how it’ll play out that day. I’m usually right.
“It’s going to be a hard day, I feel like ass.”, is what I said to my friend when she turned up. I just wanted to override my loud thoughts with some friend-time. But that didn’t work out so I fell down the rabbit hole and I couldn’t get out.
I didn’t notice anything around me, it’s a very common state I get in. Like a train ride without any stops, until you reach the dead end and it crashes. I wish I could tell my friends, that I don’t have any control over whatever happens during that ride. It’s difficult to explain. So when I was done hurting others, I hurt myself. No one needed this.
I wish I could’ve stopped myself in the very beginning, everything would be sort of okay now. What the heaviest residue feeling left is? Shame.
1 comment
Some days you “gotta do what you gotta do.” Feeling shame and regret is understandable, feeling judged likewise. To put this in “biblical” terms, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” I’m not preaching, just emphasizing that each and every one of us has to find a way to get through each day in this hell hole called life, and anyone who might criticize or judge you needs to take a flying fuck off a tall mountain. Sorry you feel bad about the situation, and may better days find their way to your path.