Virus.Found

I heard something, that I shouldn’t have. That’s all it took and now I want to rage quit on life. I guess we bury it so deep, that it’s not even visible to us, until someone else reminds us. It’s 4:32 am and I want to self harm. The harm’s already in my head afterall. Why couldn’t I get upset at a more convenient time. Now I have no one to talk to.

Today I woke up with a stomach ache. Want to know why.? Because the past few days have been a walking nightmare. My government decided on some Covid measures, on which I can’t take the public transportation anymore, even though I rely on it.

I live in a capital city. No, I am not vaccinated, ’cause I don’t trust it yet. In 3 years.? Maybe. (Please, if you have a toxic opinion about that, don’t drag me down even more) I just want that person, who clearly didn’t think about ill or old people who have risks taking it, to suffer. It’s without logic. A few […]

When I was in the russian supermarket today, the happy disco music which my mother said, was from her youth, didn’t sound so happy to me. Frankly I wasn’t hearing it at all. I was spaced out. I couldn’t believe I was so deeply unhappy with my life and for how unkind people had been all my life towards me. I didn’t even know what I wanted. Cookies, coffee, cinnamon.? I want nothing. I just want these thoughts to stop.

For every friend talking to their important friends or posting something on instagram instead of talking to me. I’m just f*cking done. I was a long […]

Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.

Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.

Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve […]

I’m so very empty… For 4 years you had been my best friend. But I didn’t feel important to you for a long while. I’ve cried out, for more time with you, more affection, but no matter how often I did, you didn’t care.. you didn’t care enough.

I’m not a happy person and I need more than other people do. I’m sorry, I’m like this.. I really am. Telling you goodbye, was one of the most painful things I did this year already. Great start of 2021.. Now I see you removing everything around me, that had anything to do with you. It hurts. But […]

I’m so tired of holding in 80% of my pain. Somehow others don’t notice the 20% I do show. And if I show more, no one wants anything to do with me. I mean, I get it. Nobody wants to hang out with a sourpuss, who ruins their happy mood. I’ve really tried my best. I did, lovelies. I can’t keep upsetting everyone for being too busy to give a fly.

So the solution is simple. I have to go away. I have to leave everything behind. Everything I’ve ever owned, been gifted or bought myself. And most importantly, the people I’ve constantly upset with my […]