Virus.Found

Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.

Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.

Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve saved me from so much freaking misery. I should just accept, that no one will ever be interested in me. That people go out of their way, to just turn their backs on me, the second I begin to feel a friendship forming.

Just now, I’ve received a response from a girl, that I used to call ‘Kitsune’. At least, I thought it was her, according to her profile info, I was almost sure. It wasn’t her… Meaning, I have no anchor point, to search her up somewhere to talk. I just want one last talk with her, to ask how she’s doing… We were so close.

However I did have one good thing coming to me. Someone did actually reach out. I haven’t talked to that person for at least 5 years. But yet, it felt like no time has passed… She’s the only one, who gives me a little reason to think, that I’m not utter trash. My demons tell me, I should embrace it as long as I can. Because there will come a time, she’ll also be uninterested in me. She’ll get tired of being the smile of my day. Yeah, she will. You just wait and let me post yet another disappointment here.

I’m so very empty… For 4 years you had been my best friend. But I didn’t feel important to you for a long while. I’ve cried out, for more time with you, more affection, but no matter how often I did, you didn’t care.. you didn’t care enough.

I’m not a happy person and I need more than other people do. I’m sorry, I’m like this.. I really am. Telling you goodbye, was one of the most painful things I did this year already. Great start of 2021.. Now I see you removing everything around me, that had anything to do with you. It hurts. But I couldn’t do this anymore. There’s only so many times you can make yourself a fool, until you’ve had enough.

I couldn’t take, being that pathetic, brokenhearted friend, who has lost his cat a few months ago… The holidays were supposed to be our together-time, but you’ve prioritised stupid things. You still have your 2 cats, I don’t have anything left.. no will to live. I told you that and you didn’t take me seriously. Maybe it’s because I’ve said it too many times before and it just lost its meaning. I’m just so empty.. You’ve disappointed me and broken my heart this winter. Thank you for that.

I’m so tired of holding in 80% of my pain. Somehow others don’t notice the 20% I do show. And if I show more, no one wants anything to do with me. I mean, I get it. Nobody wants to hang out with a sourpuss, who ruins their happy mood. I’ve really tried my best. I did, lovelies. I can’t keep upsetting everyone for being too busy to give a fly.

So the solution is simple. I have to go away. I have to leave everything behind. Everything I’ve ever owned, been gifted or bought myself. And most importantly, the people I’ve constantly upset with my moods and needs. It’s already foreseeable, what will happen 2021. More pain. Endless misery. Have a new year, even if it’s not happy I guess.. Thanks for reading.

Fact: Nobody likes a downer.

There’s just so much I don’t share with people. I could do way worse, than budging every once in a while and sound like a total pessimist, especially badmouthing myself. And if I ever do, people probably think, I’m being dramatic. Well, if only you could look into my head, you’d know that it’s just an inch of what I’m feeling daily.

I can’t pull these ridiculous jokes anymore and act, like everything is alright. I just can’t. Do you ever send something depressing to your ‘friends’ and go to bed and think: Shit, I’ll probably regret this tomorrow. And then suddenly nobody has even said a word the next morning. That just happened to me right now. I don’t understand it…

Those are especially people, I’m always there for. Even in a group chat, I personally talk to an individual, if they seem like they are not okay. But will somebody do that with me.? No. Nobody cares when they should care. It was fucking important to me, to hear something positive from them. And just silence.

I just told my friend C. that I should just stop existing, because apparently that’s the only way, I’ll stop bothering everyone. I’m just a nuisance. I’m even finding myself annoying, as I’m writing this… I’m tired guys.

And when I just logged into here, the captcha told me, to select bridges. How ironic. Why not show me a roof or something, where I should jump off.?

I’m someone who likes to draw, to edit pictures (especially of games) and write my own stories. This year something happened and I lost all interest for my hobbies. I’ve recently just started to regain some interest but… It’s like nothing I do, seems great enough.

I’ve also noticed my friends, that I always share it with, being rather uninterested. I’m not sure whether my perception is just ‘wrong’ or it’s really because I’m shit. I keep thinking: What even is the point of doing this.? If I don’t think it’s good and people around me don’t really care, then why do I waste my time.? I could rather just sit on the couch and watch my favorite series a fifth time with a bag of chips.

I’ve had some dark days lately.. You know it’s bad, when you casually throw around that you want to kill yourself or even just put it into a joke. Even when I didn’t do anything important, I’ve always put a lot of meaning into my art. It was always like: Wow, I actually did something with my day. But now.? I just want to be dead. I don’t want to write about depression. I don’t want to draw faces, that aren’t recognizable as living creatures. And I don’t want to edit something not so beautiful, into something beautiful.

The sad part is, my best friend always makes it about her, whenever I feel bad about myself. It’s unbelievable. I can’t even have an argument with her, she keeps saying: “It’s a pity you think like that (about me)” I had to tell her three times in the span of 2 days: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.! My subtle hints of me being miserable, seem to go unnoticed. So I have to tell it, like it is.

Imagine building a minefield around a person and each time you add one more. And you see that person dancing around it. It’s infuriating, when no one gets my pain. I even told her very raw: “You may think, I’m being so dramatic lately and negative but truth is, even when I tell you so much, there’s just so many things I hold back. Things I do, to feel somewhat okay. And what I really fucking feel inside.”

You want the truth.? I live with myself every day and yet… I can’t even put what I go through into words. Maybe I feel like: Oh, yeah this is actually what everyone does. But it’s not.!!! I have a friend, who has about as much social anxiety as me and she explains her daily struggles and I’m baffled how much those sound like my own fears. Or even quirks, she does, whenever she’s scared or tired or stressed.

I can write complicated characters in my stories, but I’m not able to understand, what is actually wrong with myself. If I’ll ever write a book about my life, don’t buy it. It will suck. Truthfully spoken.

I never say this, but thanks for reading this pathetic post… (I did it again, telling myself, that I’m shit)

It’s almost 4 am and I woke up twice from the darn fireworks outside, because there’s been a demonstration going on for a few days. This is such a bad idea, to post here, when I’m sleep deprived. But none of my friends are available to talk to, so you guys are all I got right now.

I’ve been having such a hard time, fighting off negativity. I feel like all my energy goes to telling my thoughts to shut the hell up, so in the end there’s nothing left for myself… I honestly don’t think that this is normal. Even when I try my best to blend out & blend in, it won’t let me.! I’m tired of being a pathetic human being, too caring for others, that they forget to care for me.

Oh – one friend just send me a voice message, no thanks… Do they really think I want to hear that at this time, at this moment.? I told them that and now they’ve vanished. Great. Maybe I’m strange, but I dislike voice messages.. Anyone else.? I’ve never send one in my life, I hate the way I sound and it honestly takes up more time for me, than type it out. It takes long, to form the words when I try to say something, writing is just the best and I’m glad I have this option.

I’ve got so much done lately and even just yesterday enjoyed playing the Sims again. I haven’t enjoyed anything really since March this year… And now at 4 am, I just don’t know, where I stand and where I’m supposed to go, after standing still on one spot for so long.

My best friend from America has been working a lot and couldn’t even write me at least one short sentence every now and then. I’ve been trying to be understanding, but they kept on promising me they try harder – over and over again. I’ve stopped sending them messages and as I suspected, there was no word for a while. And when they finally wrote me, I’ve been extremely distant to them. I was honestly disgusted at myself, for acting that way. And it’s more sad, to know, that there’s people that are actually that way on a daily basis.

I just didn’t want to wait anymore, because all I do all my fucking time is wait. I’ve slowly began to talk normally and the second I did, they forgot about me again… They’re being the idiot, yet I’m the one feeling stupid. And now they have vacation and I think, they can have that without me. I’m just so fucking tired… Thank you fireworks, that are supposed to bring joy, to making me overthink these things, when I should be sleeping.

I’ve always hated fireworks.

Burden. Inconvenience. Deadweight. Those are the words I’d describe myself as lately. I’ve taken a month break from any contacts to my friends. And guess what.? No one fucking missed me…

I’ve received a ‘hey’ from two people and that was it, they didn’t try again. They simply didn’t notice. They simply didn’t care. It was hard for me, I’m a very affectionate person. I didn’t want to let myself get dragged down by that though. So what, if I’m the person that keeps the contact going right.? Wrong. Super duper wrong.

Just everyone that comes along bails on me, I don’t understand why… I have so much to give, I can always hold a conversation and I’m not someone to let you down. It’s like, the more I give, the more it backfires. Us humans want to save time on many things daily and we invented things to make that possible. But never would I have realized, that they want to save time regarding social interaction.

The top words in today’s conversations are: ‘Uff, Ok, Hey, How R U, Yeh, Cool, Nice, Sup, lol, lmao, g2g’ Wow, I’m just thrilled over these.! Been looking forward to talking to people all day and getting one of these words back. Thanks for carefully picking these out for me, I feel super special. While you’re at it, throw in an ‘Emoji’ too.! Just love them.!!!!!!

Maybe I should give up on keeping friends already. They’re never there and if they are, they bore me to pieces. Is it possible I’m just overlooking the kind people, that are willing to have a nice conversation.? Where are the soulful writers, the clingy folks and those, that aren’t able to work/go to school due to whatever reason.?

I’ve opened up to a person today and she was heartfelt and told me how great I was. And then suddenly she made up some half-assed lie to disappear immediately. And I kept seeing her coming back online. That stings, am I really that bad.? I really felt like she was being genuine and promised that we would be there for each other. I’d have many stories to tell, of the times I’ve encountered assholes. But that would be as thick as a novel.

I keep blaming myself, that maybe I’m just not good enough and should just disappear from everyone’s sight. I already think I’m annoying and pathetic but others are really opening my eyes lately. So maybe I should thank them for making me see the truth. That I should just die. If they can go without me for a month, they won’t care that I’m gone.

Wow, just wow. I’ve been doing better without any friends but it was really hard in the beginning. So after a week I check my messages: 0 Just why do I care so much…? When you’re someone, that has so much affection to give, what the hell do you do.? Seems like, everyone who’s not depressed, is just not much of a friend these days. Oh, to be 16 again and have a bunch of depressed friends and they have so much free time, you could actually form a ball of clay and stick together for forever. Loneliness is no joke…

Have you ever kept the seriousness of your mental state to yourself.? Just to finally open up to a person and they’re not being understanding whatsoever.? Yeah, well. That happened to me tonight.

It’s night and I’m miserable. I’ve told my friend, that they have not been there at all, when I needed them to be. And I understand, that they are busy and I’ve been ever so patient. But it only goes so far, you know.? I’ve been feeling extremely lonely lately. I’ve just slept 18 hours straight. I’ve reached out to many people, just to get nothing back in return. Isn’t that already a sign, that I should just STOP.?

My friend hit me with reality, when I was contemplating to end my life… This doesn’t help. This helps no one. It made me feel even worse and I wished, I had just shut up and not said anything. I feel like my emotions have just shut down for today. I don’t understand, what is happening around me, I can only hear a wave inside of me. I’m not really here. And I’m not really anywhere else. I just want it to be done already…

I was so desperate, as to reach out for the first time to a suicide prevention hotline. But I didn’t want to talk on the phone, I wanted to chat with someone. And guess what.? They have appointments for that… Just. What the f@ck.?! You can’t even rely on those people then, good to know.

I’ve layed down on my cold floor, trying to somehow calm down. And two minutes later, a fly kept buzzing next to my ear. I kept trying to make it go away, but it wouldn’t. It’s almost comical.? So I couldn’t even do that. Maybe the fly wanted me to get up and do something else instead. I was just sitting numb in a corner before.

Now I’m watching ‘Life is Strange’. I hope I can just zone out for a few hours. I don’t know what to do anymore… This world makes everyone become so busy, that we forget about each other.