Virus.Found

Burden. Inconvenience. Deadweight. Those are the words I’d describe myself as lately. I’ve taken a month break from any contacts to my friends. And guess what.? No one fucking missed me…

I’ve received a ‘hey’ from two people and that was it, they didn’t try again. They simply didn’t notice. They simply didn’t care. It was hard for me, I’m a very affectionate person. I didn’t want to let myself get dragged down by that though. So what, if I’m the person that keeps the contact going right.? Wrong. Super duper wrong.

Just everyone that comes along bails on me, I don’t understand why… I have so much to give, I can always hold a conversation and I’m not someone to let you down. It’s like, the more I give, the more it backfires. Us humans want to save time on many things daily and we invented things to make that possible. But never would I have realized, that they want to save time regarding social interaction.

The top words in today’s conversations are: ‘Uff, Ok, Hey, How R U, Yeh, Cool, Nice, Sup, lol, lmao, g2g’ Wow, I’m just thrilled over these.! Been looking forward to talking to people all day and getting one of these words back. Thanks for carefully picking these out for me, I feel super special. While you’re at it, throw in an ‘Emoji’ too.! Just love them.!!!!!!

Maybe I should give up on keeping friends already. They’re never there and if they are, they bore me to pieces. Is it possible I’m just overlooking the kind people, that are willing to have a nice conversation.? Where are the soulful writers, the clingy folks and those, that aren’t able to work/go to school due to whatever reason.?

I’ve opened up to a person today and she was heartfelt and told me how great I was. And then suddenly she made up some half-assed lie to disappear immediately. And I kept seeing her coming back online. That stings, am I really that bad.? I really felt like she was being genuine and promised that we would be there for each other. I’d have many stories to tell, of the times I’ve encountered assholes. But that would be as thick as a novel.

I keep blaming myself, that maybe I’m just not good enough and should just disappear from everyone’s sight. I already think I’m annoying and pathetic but others are really opening my eyes lately. So maybe I should thank them for making me see the truth. That I should just die. If they can go without me for a month, they won’t care that I’m gone.

Wow, just wow. I’ve been doing better without any friends but it was really hard in the beginning. So after a week I check my messages: 0 Just why do I care so much…? When you’re someone, that has so much affection to give, what the hell do you do.? Seems like, everyone who’s not depressed, is just not much of a friend these days. Oh, to be 16 again and have a bunch of depressed friends and they have so much free time, you could actually form a ball of clay and stick together for forever. Loneliness is no joke…

Have you ever kept the seriousness of your mental state to yourself.? Just to finally open up to a person and they’re not being understanding whatsoever.? Yeah, well. That happened to me tonight.

It’s night and I’m miserable. I’ve told my friend, that they have not been there at all, when I needed them to be. And I understand, that they are busy and I’ve been ever so patient. But it only goes so far, you know.? I’ve been feeling extremely lonely lately. I’ve just slept 18 hours straight. I’ve reached out to many people, just to get nothing back in return. Isn’t that already a sign, that I should just STOP.?

My friend hit me with reality, when I was contemplating to end my life… This doesn’t help. This helps no one. It made me feel even worse and I wished, I had just shut up and not said anything. I feel like my emotions have just shut down for today. I don’t understand, what is happening around me, I can only hear a wave inside of me. I’m not really here. And I’m not really anywhere else. I just want it to be done already…

I was so desperate, as to reach out for the first time to a suicide prevention hotline. But I didn’t want to talk on the phone, I wanted to chat with someone. And guess what.? They have appointments for that… Just. What the f@ck.?! You can’t even rely on those people then, good to know.

I’ve layed down on my cold floor, trying to somehow calm down. And two minutes later, a fly kept buzzing next to my ear. I kept trying to make it go away, but it wouldn’t. It’s almost comical.? So I couldn’t even do that. Maybe the fly wanted me to get up and do something else instead. I was just sitting numb in a corner before.

Now I’m watching ‘Life is Strange’. I hope I can just zone out for a few hours. I don’t know what to do anymore… This world makes everyone become so busy, that we forget about each other.

There’s been way too many times, where I’ve been jealous of my brother. May it be his appearance or body in general. Or his great health.
I just don’t understand, what went wrong with me, when my family is able to have pretty children. Like what the fudge am I.?

I work really hard on myself, yet can’t ever look as good and be pain-free as them.
I love, how my ‘obsession’ over that, makes me look narcissistic in the eyes of psychotherapy.
I’ve got the word written down a lot of times in my last Psych-report.

Now I’m just wondering… Aren’t ‘people like me’ just meant to be that way.? Pretty people don’t ever have to think about all that crap.
All this self-hatred, just because I wasn’t lucky enough.

I think I made this post after two years since my last post, because I’ve been trying to connect with old friends. And they all look good and happy. And I’m still stuck after 6 years.

I love my mind, my creativity and even the dark places it can go to sometimes. But… My body is all ‘wrong’. Positivity is really not for me, I fall harder whenever I try.
When you love your mind that much, that you’re scared to die, but don’t see another exit… What do you do.?

(I hope I didn’t make someone hate themselves even more, rather than thinking: This person has the thoughts, I’ve been having today. Also, looking up your friend’s life’s on social media is always a bad idea. They might suffer as much as you do, but try to pretend it’s glamorous.)