I always have so much to say, but now I can’t. I’ve explained myself a thousand times. May my words be as empty, as my life.
I hate being shamed for the last resort, that I could think of. It’s not right. Most people get weird about selfharm. It’s what someone does, when a walk or ten different distractions didn’t help. I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t let yet another day go by, without leaving a trace of it feeling just horrible.
Nothing extraordinary happened to me today. Maybe it never did. But there’s days that are harder to come by and I don’t know why. I wake up and I already get a sense, on how it’ll play out that day. I’m usually right.
“It’s going to be a hard day, I feel like ass.”, is what I said to my friend when she turned up. I just wanted to override my loud thoughts with some friend-time. But that didn’t work out so I fell down the rabbit hole and I couldn’t get out.
I didn’t notice anything around me, it’s a very common state I get in. Like a train ride without any stops, until you reach the dead end and it crashes. I wish I could tell my friends, that I don’t have any control over whatever happens during that ride. It’s difficult to explain. So when I was done hurting others, I hurt myself. No one needed this.
I wish I could’ve stopped myself in the very beginning, everything would be sort of okay now. What the heaviest residue feeling left is? Shame.
Maybe the life I’ve build, is the one I deserve. But is it really fair for someone to only be able to build a Horror-Mansion, while others get a Dreamhouse done.? They call it ‘having the tools to deal with setbacks’. I’ve never aquired anything more than a pair of old rusty scissors, to cut the caution tape, that I’ve wrapped around my Mansion, for normal folks to stay away.
Trespassers would still get in. They love being part of the haunted feeling once in a while. They’re lucky they get to leave that feeling, because I don’t. I have to stay here, isolated and question whether the trespassers were right. Maybe there are ghosts, to torture me, and I just can’t see them.
I could clean off the layers of dust, which collected on the windows or remove all of the spider webs, that even spiders have moved away from. But why would I give anyone the impression, that I live here.? Here, in my own shame and the haunting noises through the corridor.
I let the rain take care of the flower beds, even if it feels as though it rains more inside of my home, than outside. The roses are dry and the daffodils grow on things that were long buried. I was never much of an architect, I was just not sane enough to build a porch so inviting for people to want to come in.
So yeah, maybe the life I’ve build started on a steady fundamental, which ended in crooked walls who don’t shift thanks to that. And to knock everything down and start anew.? Who has the time and energy to do that.? Maybe I could do small things to improve the way it looks like now.? But will it ever be enough.? Won’t be digging my own hole in my backyard have more reasonable purpose.? It’s the only thing, I’ve been good at preparing for.
When I was in the russian supermarket today, the happy disco music which my mother said, was from her youth, didn’t sound so happy to me. Frankly I wasn’t hearing it at all. I was spaced out. I couldn’t believe I was so deeply unhappy with my life and for how unkind people had been all my life towards me. I didn’t even know what I wanted. Cookies, coffee, cinnamon.? I want nothing. I just want these thoughts to stop.
For every friend talking to their important friends or posting something on instagram instead of talking to me. I’m just f*cking done. I was a long time ago but yeah.. can’t even trust your best friends now. Or some stranger’s who put their condescending sh*t on you, just because they’re unhappy about something themselves.
What the hell man, can’t even go grocery shopping without wanting to die. They should honestly just crash into me with their carts, seeing as I’m so painfully invisible to everyone else. Yesterday I had an appointment and I was forgotten. They didn’t tell me anything and put the blame on me too.! Humans are nasty.
I haven’t posted on here in a while, because of three people I’m trying to avoid, that I got in touch with out of SP. In case you read this: Sorry to you two, but the third person I’m not sorry for, considering they haven’t even apologized for ghosting me. So yeah, this is that. I really need something else than the pain on my mind.
Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.
Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.
Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve saved me from so much freaking misery. I should just accept, that no one will ever be interested in me. That people go out of their way, to just turn their backs on me, the second I begin to feel a friendship forming.
Just now, I’ve received a response from a girl, that I used to call ‘Kitsune’. At least, I thought it was her, according to her profile info, I was almost sure. It wasn’t her… Meaning, I have no anchor point, to search her up somewhere to talk. I just want one last talk with her, to ask how she’s doing… We were so close.
However I did have one good thing coming to me. Someone did actually reach out. I haven’t talked to that person for at least 5 years. But yet, it felt like no time has passed… She’s the only one, who gives me a little reason to think, that I’m not utter trash. My demons tell me, I should embrace it as long as I can. Because there will come a time, she’ll also be uninterested in me. She’ll get tired of being the smile of my day. Yeah, she will. You just wait and let me post yet another disappointment here.
So. Fucking. Useless. Yeah, I’m talking about myself. I try my best to help people but in the end, I think I never did. So if I can’t help myself and not even help others, then what else is there to do.? Why do I even bother with things like that… It just hit midnight and I feel unwell, as if someone had walked right through me. I don’t want this life. May I have a different one..?
This feels like a joke… My whole life has been a joke… My mother was to go away on a trip and it was cancelled over and over thanks to Corona. She was going in a few days and I had already planned my death.. Even if it wouldn’t have worked, I was at least going to try to end this misery. My mind is deadly, it’s making everything seem like it’s out to get me.
I had backed up our family photos on a cloud, which took me hours. Only so that my family won’t forget to do it after I’m gone. I take any conversation with a person, that I can get. Even if they don’t deserve my time… Humanity is cruel in so many ways. 11 years of my life I’ve tried to toughen up, to not be so sensible, but all of those years I couldn’t manage to do that. It may never happen..
So, now that my mother’s at home and I can’t end my life, what am I going to do.? What the hell am I going to do… I’ve started to self harm again, which used to help a little. But now it doesn’t. Nothing helps. I’ve not been okay for a long while. But this.? This is a new level, where I feel like I’ll never get out of. I don’t want to feel this way. Make it stop please. I’m not important to anybody.
I’m so very empty… For 4 years you had been my best friend. But I didn’t feel important to you for a long while. I’ve cried out, for more time with you, more affection, but no matter how often I did, you didn’t care.. you didn’t care enough.
I’m not a happy person and I need more than other people do. I’m sorry, I’m like this.. I really am. Telling you goodbye, was one of the most painful things I did this year already. Great start of 2021.. Now I see you removing everything around me, that had anything to do with you. It hurts. But I couldn’t do this anymore. There’s only so many times you can make yourself a fool, until you’ve had enough.
I couldn’t take, being that pathetic, brokenhearted friend, who has lost his cat a few months ago… The holidays were supposed to be our together-time, but you’ve prioritised stupid things. You still have your 2 cats, I don’t have anything left.. no will to live. I told you that and you didn’t take me seriously. Maybe it’s because I’ve said it too many times before and it just lost its meaning. I’m just so empty.. You’ve disappointed me and broken my heart this winter. Thank you for that.
I’m so tired of holding in 80% of my pain. Somehow others don’t notice the 20% I do show. And if I show more, no one wants anything to do with me. I mean, I get it. Nobody wants to hang out with a sourpuss, who ruins their happy mood. I’ve really tried my best. I did, lovelies. I can’t keep upsetting everyone for being too busy to give a fly.
So the solution is simple. I have to go away. I have to leave everything behind. Everything I’ve ever owned, been gifted or bought myself. And most importantly, the people I’ve constantly upset with my moods and needs. It’s already foreseeable, what will happen 2021. More pain. Endless misery. Have a new year, even if it’s not happy I guess.. Thanks for reading.
It’s the time of year, where many have to sit in a living room with long lost family members together and listen to their BS. You won’t like what judgemental thing they’ve meant to say all year. If it’s about your career or lack of career, LGBTQIA+ related or you’ve picked the wrong partner. And you came to vent here, because it’s your last resort to somehow not lose it right over the cranberry plate. It’s alright, this holiday can be stressful to some, while some really enjoy their time. You don’t have to feel guilty of not finding it a magical time or listen to what everyone has to say about you. You can make it through this madness, I promise.
Don’t drink until you trip over and don’t feel bad, if your presents weren’t as big as from someone else. It’s a time people forget, what even it is celebrated for. And look, you can just make up your own secret reason: You’ve made it another year. Congratulations.! It’s one shitty dinner at a time, but at least you’re there. The people see you’re there. And that’s more than magical. Stay safe guys and happy Christmas, wherever around the world you may are.!
The title is, what I’ve used as the first line for a ‘matchmaking’ profile on a chat portal. I’ve had 8 matches that day, excitingly hitting everyone up, in expectation of finding fun people to hang around with. Well… Not even that little tool filters out all of those braindead morons.
Some didn’t know what to say at all, I had to pluck it out of their noses and some gave me not only ONE but TWO emojis as replies all the time. It’s cool, that apparently you’re laughing but I didn’t open an open mic show, I wanted an actual nice conversation about anything really. I could even talk about Flip Flops, for Christ’s sake.
It’s nothing new that hit me, while I kept trying to find a base of conversation, getting nothing in return, but.. I just can’t accept, that 99% I meet are that way. And I can’t follow, what the hell ever happened, that people got into such a poor social state. One even tried to explain to me, that the matchmaking was broken and tried to tell me to f@ck off. Wow. Do I need an effing VIP ticket to talk to you now.? I’d be stoked, if someone hit me up, mistake or no mistake in the match, to be open and fun around me.
I do understand, that people can be shy but if you’re not willing to even try saying anything, why hang around in a chat portal.? You could spend your time more useful and not be a ghost toward anyone who makes an attempt to getting to know you. I’m extremely anxious too in being awfully rejected, so much that I’ll remember it years later, because I can’t fucking let anything go.. And look at me.! I’m still going towards the option of not being a rude asshole or ignorant and boring.
Maybe I sound hateful, but who knows if there’s anything up some people’s heads, and if they actually question anything in this world. Buuut here is the somewhat jolly end: One person didn’t suck. Actually the complete opposite. She was really mindful about so many things, having suffered from similar fears before and having more experience than I do. Well, I have plenty of experience just not the capability to ever learn to stop trying to be my best version and to expect it in return from others too. We’ve filled the max. letter count in every of our responses for hours.
Seeing as there was one out of 8, that was a gem, maybe I should just keep trying.?
Did anyone listen to the new album of ‘grandson’.? I’m madly in love with the way he expresses his anger and opinion on the BS in the world.! Fits the pandemic pretty well.
This day was a rollercoaster of good and bad. In me trying to find sense in other people’s actions. I did okay. But you know what.? It took me the whole day, but there’s no fucking sense to be found. People are just assholes, end of story.!
“You should totally get that app or social media, I’ll love you for it, but secretly I just want you to like my posts and share my own mind in my staged-as-fuck stories. Oh, did you see my many gifts I wrapped for aaaaall of my many friends, look how fortunate I am. Oooh, what did you get for Christmas.? Oh, socks that’s so… haha, pathetic. No, dude I so didn’t see the things you wrote in the group chat, don’t you understand, that the word ‘read’ needs to actually be there, so I have taken a few seconds out of my day, to listen to you.? Oh, don’t be like that, I only come here to talk to important people and give a thumbs up to every single pic of that one hashtag I like.”
I actually feel like, this is the perfect impersonation of every friend on social media. I don’t understand, how others enjoy this.? Are they all masochistic jerks.? Like damn, a few days there feed my depression worse than any form of lifelong gluttony ever could.
My group had something important to talk about so I unfreezed my account, only to be ignored then. Thing is, you can only deactivate it once every week. That’s a long-ass time to be painfully made aware, that nobody really cares if you get, what they wanted you to get.
I got really close today to post something really risky, divided into a few levels of inappropriateness. Either a very mellow depression quote and maybe a corny black and white picture OR straight up post a story with something suicide related and old faded scars on your arms. (So basically my very normal start of the week.)
Imagine them tapping on my first ‘story’ ever and then seeing something like THAT. I’m not going to lie, I would love to see their faces lit up like: “Wait.! Are you telling me, they’re depressed.?! That one person, who always acts so friendly and talks so much.? I don’t get this at all. Kinda pathetic to post it out here for anyone to see. Geez I’ve had so much fun with my pointless shit, that they’ve ruined now.. I should just pretend I didn’t see this and- oooh, Kylie brought out a new rouge palette to contour my fake nose blush.! (Seriously what is that.?) Liked and shared.<3 #SoCheap her last blush was like 80$, now it's only 70$ and this one looks sooo different from the last one."
Am I the only one who sees people all around me like these phony’s, who only care about their own needs and more so WANTS.? It’s so tiresome to see the youth in this vortex, treating someone popular like a god/goddess and treat their friends like dogshit. My friend had the nerve to show up today out of nowhere after a few years and say: “I think we had a misunderstanding, that’s why we stopped talking.” Uhm, no. You were always gone for weeks and when you did return, you didn’t even know what we both last talked about, while having time to post 5 pictures on instagram daily and reply to every comment there.
My point is, that I can see the need of people wanting to appear perfect on these sites, while inside of them they are so rotten, not even maggots want to fill up on that. But it’s not for me and I think it shouldn’t be for anyone. Okay, I get that I shouldn’t overanalyze a bottomless pit for it to become a whole castle of deceit. But I guess I can’t just start to follow blindly into this concept of endless comparison to other people’s lives, just like being a follower to their accounts.
But for real though. Being a follower isn’t the creepy dude in the alley at night anymore or the one, where you follow someone’s messed up beliefs into a cult. How did that word get so messed up in meaning.? Although at this point calling them ‘friends’ just like normal sites will let you do, isn’t true in that realm.
I guess I have to thank SP for letting me rant about this, where people won’t get upset about it. (At least I hope, you’re not all hardcore social media butterflies…) Thanks for not making me post something before bed, that no one will unsee.! Just gotta breathe through Wednesday, to lay my account on ice again, so that I won’t be able to do something impulsive. Oh and:
<3 Virus.Found tagged you in this picture, which shows people, that are still alive this week.
My days are just so fucking pointless. I’m not doing anything and I don’t want to… What will give my existence meaning.? Here’s my theme-song:
So I’m desperate. I need new friends. If you have IMVU, we could sit in a room and talk 🙂 I also play Dream Girlfriend, if you have the App, I’ll give you my ID to add. I’ve been on both for many years and I never go anywhere. Also I’m 22 years old if that matters to you. I speak English and German. Yep, just let me know.^^
I was trying so immensely to have ONE positive day once in a while. It worked for like 5 hours and then my head started to make up the worst possible scenarios again. And I overspilled with my words AGAIN. Nobody wants to hear my thoughts.
I’m starting to think I have mania, I’m going crazy man. I could pick up a school bus with this overflow of energy. And I can’t sleep. I could not f@cking sleep for days. I’m a sound sleeper, that’s extremely unusual to me.
I thought I was okay for today, I really did think so. But then there was nobody to talk to at all. I even spoke to people I don’t necessarily like. Yesterday at night someone set a trash bin on fire outside. It was bright orange and it looked beautiful, not going to lie. Police was already in the neighborhood, as usual. I took some cool photos. Something happened in my life, I need to tell pe- ..oh, wait. Nobody cares, right..
Apparently it’s a holiday or something, so everyone’s busy and I don’t care about that bullsh@t. My friend asked me, if I was going to put up a real or plastic tree. Try neither. I can’t fit that monster into my flat.! My friends all have beautiful houses. The only dance I have space for at home, is to spin around myself. My friends have a great life. Mine is filled with an occasional illegal bonfire in front of my home. Jealousy is a nasty thing for sure.
Anyway, I just flipped out on my friend, just for having a great day, while I was a lonely potato. I think I need to hurt myself again… I can’t stand this life anymore. I keep dropping silent suicidal bombs around everyone and nobody cares. I feel so unwanted and so.. wrong. Happy holidays to you dear reader…
Who else is actually not cruel at all, but wants somebody to feel the pain, that you’re feeling yourself.? Yeah. Me. I bet if people would know, they wouldn’t be so f@cking disgusting towards each other.
My posts here are most often about how hurt I am by the actions of others. Can somebody tell me, how I can start being more ignorant like them and be less affectionate.? I can’t see anything but cruelty. What have I said wrong AGAIN.? Most often, I don’t get an answer. I’ve stopped asking this a while ago and turns out people are fine with that.
Also when someone seems like they aren’t fine, I ask. I f@cking ask. It’s not hard. It doesn’t take anything from you, except for a little bit of time, that you would’ve used to waste on social media anyway. You could save a life, asking, listening and being there for them. Or maybe even make their day or most often nights a bit easier.
And if you manage to do that once, then yes, maybe it will safe their life.
Because making a summary of days, that were especially depressing and lonely, could perhaps be lessened by one crucial day. And if more people pay attention and show compassion, more days could follow up, that weren’t that bad. This doesn’t help everyone, but it would help me. But that’s a dreamworld I live in. Where people are good and understanding.
Fact: Nobody likes a downer.
There’s just so much I don’t share with people. I could do way worse, than budging every once in a while and sound like a total pessimist, especially badmouthing myself. And if I ever do, people probably think, I’m being dramatic. Well, if only you could look into my head, you’d know that it’s just an inch of what I’m feeling daily.
I can’t pull these ridiculous jokes anymore and act, like everything is alright. I just can’t. Do you ever send something depressing to your ‘friends’ and go to bed and think: Shit, I’ll probably regret this tomorrow. And then suddenly nobody has even said a word the next morning. That just happened to me right now. I don’t understand it…
Those are especially people, I’m always there for. Even in a group chat, I personally talk to an individual, if they seem like they are not okay. But will somebody do that with me.? No. Nobody cares when they should care. It was fucking important to me, to hear something positive from them. And just silence.
I just told my friend C. that I should just stop existing, because apparently that’s the only way, I’ll stop bothering everyone. I’m just a nuisance. I’m even finding myself annoying, as I’m writing this… I’m tired guys.
And when I just logged into here, the captcha told me, to select bridges. How ironic. Why not show me a roof or something, where I should jump off.?
I’m someone who likes to draw, to edit pictures (especially of games) and write my own stories. This year something happened and I lost all interest for my hobbies. I’ve recently just started to regain some interest but… It’s like nothing I do, seems great enough.
I’ve also noticed my friends, that I always share it with, being rather uninterested. I’m not sure whether my perception is just ‘wrong’ or it’s really because I’m shit. I keep thinking: What even is the point of doing this.? If I don’t think it’s good and people around me don’t really care, then why do I waste my time.? I could rather just sit on the couch and watch my favorite series a fifth time with a bag of chips.
I’ve had some dark days lately.. You know it’s bad, when you casually throw around that you want to kill yourself or even just put it into a joke. Even when I didn’t do anything important, I’ve always put a lot of meaning into my art. It was always like: Wow, I actually did something with my day. But now.? I just want to be dead. I don’t want to write about depression. I don’t want to draw faces, that aren’t recognizable as living creatures. And I don’t want to edit something not so beautiful, into something beautiful.
The sad part is, my best friend always makes it about her, whenever I feel bad about myself. It’s unbelievable. I can’t even have an argument with her, she keeps saying: “It’s a pity you think like that (about me)” I had to tell her three times in the span of 2 days: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.! My subtle hints of me being miserable, seem to go unnoticed. So I have to tell it, like it is.
Imagine building a minefield around a person and each time you add one more. And you see that person dancing around it. It’s infuriating, when no one gets my pain. I even told her very raw: “You may think, I’m being so dramatic lately and negative but truth is, even when I tell you so much, there’s just so many things I hold back. Things I do, to feel somewhat okay. And what I really fucking feel inside.”
You want the truth.? I live with myself every day and yet… I can’t even put what I go through into words. Maybe I feel like: Oh, yeah this is actually what everyone does. But it’s not.!!! I have a friend, who has about as much social anxiety as me and she explains her daily struggles and I’m baffled how much those sound like my own fears. Or even quirks, she does, whenever she’s scared or tired or stressed.
I can write complicated characters in my stories, but I’m not able to understand, what is actually wrong with myself. If I’ll ever write a book about my life, don’t buy it. It will suck. Truthfully spoken.
I never say this, but thanks for reading this pathetic post… (I did it again, telling myself, that I’m shit)
I want to die, the second that I wake up and realize where and who I am. I want to die, checking my zero messages on my phone from my friends. I want to die, listening to a gloomy song on loop, while brushing my teeth. I want to die, when I eat breakfast at 8 pm, even when I have cake in front of me. I want to die, trying to distract myself from this urgent feeling, by watching YouTube.
I want to die, when I crave for coffee and feel short happiness imagining the taste in my mouth. I want to die, standing on the balcony on a cool night, wearing not thick enough clothes. I want to die, finally talking to friends and them being disappointing as fuck, because somewhere in between I’ve imagined, how they are supposed to treat me. I want to die, when I turn off my phone and forget about everyone while I dissociate from my own self.
I want to die, because I think I’m pathetic for being this way and not being able to think ‘happy’. I want to die, while I repeat words like: pathetic, loser, emotional wreck in my mind. I want to die, whenever I made a plan to do something that’s fun and then doing it for five minutes and being upset, that it wasn’t fun as it used to be. I want to die, when I look at the clock to see, how I just wasted another day doing nothing and feeling miserable.
I want to die, when I get tired and am not ready to accept that this day is over yet. I want to die, so I can immediately fall asleep and not be up thinking of silly things that went wrong all my life. There may be seconds I don’t want to die. But that’s not enough to lead a healthy life. Does anybody die daily just like I do.? I’m so done… And I tell everyone that and no one understands, how serious I am.