Can’t sleep, you know.?
I’m not thinking my thoughts, they do their own thing, you know.?
Do I really have to be there tomorrow.?
How much more leave of absence can my doctor prescribe.?
How many times is it okay to think about dying per day.?
Did I really say these awful things today and did they reply with more awfulness.?
Why did I hate my favorite person yesterday and why do I adore her today at Thanksgiving.?
Why do songs sound way more relatable than they used to.?
What an god awful day. My emotional capacity is of a child, I couldn’t even let anyone know I went home early, due to feeling like ass. I had it in my gut, that none of my friends will have time to talk to me about it, and I was right. I’m going to cut my arms open tonight. It has been a long time, since that happened but it’s just one of those days you know.? I feel heavy, burdened. It feels like an entity has reached for my heart and keeps hold of it. My weekend will just be me.
Do you ever dissociate on your couch at night and casually talk about suicide with your friends, though usually you keep it to yourself.?
Welp, I didn’t just spend a whole hour, writing a whole monologue on the matter of the meaning of life, nooo, I did not… This is going to be awkward tomorrow, I can tell. Not sure, if 50 deleted messages are worse though, seeing as I do that a lot, when I am hurt about something or think: Eh, it’s irrelevant (in a few hours) anyway (’cause my mood is like a pendulum of shit).
I think I’ll leave it. I don’t want […]
Having a planet full of blossoming minds is so hard, when you want to be the one, to create something that’s new. Being mediocre is a lifetime goal, for some. I’ve always fallen out of the cookie cutter, which was meant to shape me into something worthwhile. Don’t touch me, I’m far from getting a smile plastered on with permanent icing. I’ve gripped the pencil, as I saw fit. I drew what scared me inside. Nobody can guess the emotion.
I said ‘good morning’ for the first time to the lady that runs behind me with her cup to ask for spare change every day on […]
Getting into a fight at 1 am is a stupid idea. Stupid, stupid. Why am I so fragile. I need another friend. Maybe an old one. But that would bring its own set of problems. It would be selfish of me. Where is this open wound, no one can see anyway.? I think the week-stress hit me like a train now that I get to calm down on the weekend. I was really looking forward to this peaceful night. Guess dafuck not.
How can someone so young, already be this tired of life.? I don’t want to travel, I don’t want to see shit. I just want to sleep, until my eyes don’t hurt anymore.
“Have a few nice days without me ;)” Fuck you. Maybe I will. The most passive-aggressive smiley there is out there.
Did you ever wish to let go.? I’m daydreaming of a skyscraper, taller than where angels are sitting. I was never scared of heights. I want to feel free. I don’t want to get up anymore and I don’t want to fight with anyone either. Myself included.
They want us to perform, but what if we can’t do that.? So many unsolved problems in life at once, so where does one start.? Always remaining selfish, due to being a neverending untangling mess of ourselves. Being sick but not quite enough, what’s that even.? Socializing seemed like a good idea, until facing a try and error. Regretting things I’ve said, hell, even the way I said them. I used to rest easy, now there seems to be a problem. The body aches for good reason. My mind’s like a winning race horse, it’s so draining. My hair is blue again but this time […]
Never knowing when to get off. Missing the stop. Melodies on my ear. Don’t talk to me, I can’t hear. Not watching people, who are not watching me. My screen showing high definition, who needs reality.? Wearing a medical mask over my multiple other ones. More stackable than the bacteria that occupies my lungs. A beeping of a new sold ticket to hell. You’re one of us now, we don’t treat each other well. My bag holds my belongings, it deserves the rest it’s given. Nothing is forgiven, until we’ve all arrived. Seeing people better on the inside than looking in, gave me insight and […]
Why do people feel the need to gaslight me.? My call went kinda bad. I mean lucky for them, I didn’t say any of the things, that I spend up all night thinking about. The man gives me a fucking existential crisis and says “I don’t know, why you’re upset about that”. Excuse me, maybe I get overwhelmed sometimes, but that doesn’t mean, you can treat me, like I’m making shit up on the go. The back-and-forth energy at this activity is playing with my mentality. I need somewhere quiet and for once uncomplicated.
A lot has happened. I was sick for a week, right when I was supposed to start a program from Jobcenter. Had to get a medical certificate (I hope it’s called that, sorry non-english speaker) from my doctor, who of course was on vacation.
Then on Monday showing up, they forgot to do a Corona Test, which is mandatory there, which obviously I didn’t know. And they did it after I had been there for 3 hours. It was positive. They basically asked me to leave the premises and I had to wait really long until someone came down to talk to me. They gave me […]
What the hell lifelong friend.?! 2 days ago I replied to my friend R. and she tells me short and cryptic sentences. It sounds like a goodbye. You’d think, someone who planned on dying, actually had some great last words to offer. But… that wasn’t the case.
So I’ve tried to make her tell somebody about the bottle of pills she swallowed, her roommate at best. It took me a while and I convinced her to do so – Radio silence. There was nothing I could do, so I just waited. Got a “My roommate took me to the hospital”, that’s it. I really wonder, if […]
Did you ever had someone tell you, that by thinking positive, you’ll also attract such.? I keep trying to tell people, that it is the complete opposite for me. When I have a VERY RARE happy day, where I’m not in a lot of pain and my mind is light, some time later something absolutely terrible will happen to me. Like oh: Here is a letter for your debts or “Yeah your friend is kinda in the hospital” or something breaks or someone around you is having a crisis.
When I have my mellow depressing life, things are mediocre bad. Only small things suddenly frustrate me, […]
Do you ever just get jealous about other people’s stable lives they are leading.? Yeah. Me too.
Last time I helped someone important to me, talk to their friend because they wanted to take their life. I don’t even know that person so well. I won’t share details out of respect. I talked from a standpoint where I understand what it’s like and not pretend to find reasons everything is great.
Well, today I am in fact having a hard time, my mind is racing, I reached out to so many hands and no one took 5 minutes out of their day, to talk to me. So I took my hand back. I’m in isolation mode. There’s the internal loneliness, that isn’t all […]
5 am is the time, just before the world gets up, even though the light already came through. Tell me, why did I stay up again this late? It just makes me feel more lonely. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me about your day until dawn. You’ve forgotten.
Having a super down spiral on that day is the worst. I did never have horrible birthdays but this year may be the top runner.!! Already fought with a friend, who’s now ignoring me (thanks for making it about you) and I may just turn my phone off and eat cake. Anyone want some light blueberry cake with cream or a non-alcoholic version of Tiramisu? It’s on me 😛 Who do I have.? No one can even bother trying to cheer me up. Well, fuck you. I don’t have to be happy today. It’s not my fault no one can handle that. I hope no […]
I heard something, that I shouldn’t have. That’s all it took and now I want to rage quit on life. I guess we bury it so deep, that it’s not even visible to us, until someone else reminds us. It’s 4:32 am and I want to self harm. The harm’s already in my head afterall. Why couldn’t I get upset at a more convenient time. Now I have no one to talk to.
When will my body do, what it’s supposed to? Maybe it’s true afterall that the mind makes you ill at some point. No one ever finds anything that’s wrong with me. I’m tired of searching for proof. When will I get better?
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