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Virus.Found

Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralRants

Happiness Doesn’t Love Me

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Ever have these (VERY) rare days, where you’re actually all cheerful and think, today is gonna be a good day? Well, fuck that.
These days seem to always go wrong for me and people never believe me, when I tell them, that being positive just fucks up my life even more…

This day was unbearably chaotic and it’s not even lunchtime. I tried smiling and being social and brave but each step that went wrong, my smile just grew weary. I don’t know where to even put that negativity that brushed over this little happy day. I don’t know how to feel..
Mad, that my happiness got stolen?
Sad, because I can’t even do one thing right?
Or worried, that this sets me back way worse, than any regular day?

But I feel like I’m not realising the extend of that bullshit yet. Like my body was providing me with adrenaline, to deal with all that. It’s a really weird day and I want to laugh, until my insides hurt. But at the same time I want to punch a hole into a tree and scream my lungs out.

All the other days go by, with me burying it deep down. But today? Today is the day, it wants to bounce around, being noticed. I may not have any other conversation today, otherwise I might go crazy on them. And the amount of times that this happened isn’t even funny anymore.

I feel way too much and usually forget, that people can’t measure up to that extend. Even my happiness seems to irritate them. Then why even try pursuing that? Why be happy?

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

SIBLINGS – THE PERFECT IMAGE OF YOURSELF

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

There’s been way too many times, where I’ve been jealous of my brother. May it be his appearance or body in general. Or his great health.
I just don’t understand, what went wrong with me, when my family is able to have pretty children. Like what the fudge am I.?

I work really hard on myself, yet can’t ever look as good and be pain-free as them.
I love, how my ‘obsession’ over that, makes me look narcissistic in the eyes of psychotherapy.
I’ve got the word written down a lot of times in my last Psych-report.

Now I’m just wondering… Aren’t ‘people like me’ just meant to be that way.? Pretty people don’t ever have to think about all that crap.
All this self-hatred, just because I wasn’t lucky enough.

I think I made this post after two years since my last post, because I’ve been trying to connect with old friends. And they all look good and happy. And I’m still stuck after 6 years.

I love my mind, my creativity and even the dark places it can go to sometimes. But… My body is all ‘wrong’. Positivity is really not for me, I fall harder whenever I try.
When you love your mind that much, that you’re scared to die, but don’t see another exit… What do you do.?

(I hope I didn’t make someone hate themselves even more, rather than thinking: This person has the thoughts, I’ve been having today. Also, looking up your friend’s life’s on social media is always a bad idea. They might suffer as much as you do, but try to pretend it’s glamorous.)

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General

Ashamed

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Anyone else feeling ashamed each second of their life.?

Like you can’t even do the simplest thing right.?

And it’s even worse, when people humiliate you. And they don’t even see, that they’re doing it.

As if my selfhate wasn’t enough, I have to get reminded by others.

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Chronic PainGeneralRants

Am I selfish.?

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

I can not get over it, that things will never be fair. I’m too sensitive about everything. I’m in chronic pain and Doctors could never help me. Or maybe I think I just couldn’t help myself. For 9 years I’m into this Depression and it just got worse. It started early in school, that I realized that something was not right. About me and the tiring reality to go to school everyday. Other Kids seemed so careless. I came too late everyday. It started with 5 Minutes, then 10, then 30 and sometimes I missed the first period. I think I must be a broken machine. I don’t agree on getting up to a specific time each day and work/go to school for many hours. What’s wrong with me.? I’ve tried to be more responsible but every problem crashing into me (I can’ get specific in this post, or It’ll be too long) just made that impossible. I try to shove the “probable laziness” on my aching body. But truth is: I’m in so much pain. And people that aren’t sick, can not imagine the extend of it. Others expect me to go to work, but how, if the simplest thing, to wake up and dress myself is already a drag. Am I broken to not “being able” to work.? I’ve tried a few things but at the end of the day I was so much unhappier and in higher probability to harm myself, than when I stayed at home. Society has made us believe, that we have no worth, when we can’t provide for money. Is that all we are.? Am I selfish to not being able to help my family.?

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