Unsheard wrote:

“Yet despite all of this just because of one girl my entire world seems to be falling apart. It has been what seems like 5 months since we broke up, but I just can’t find that sense of comfort I had in that relationship. At this point it’s not even about the person I just feel so alone and want to feel the way I felt before. Only problem is I don’t really know why I felt that way.”

I know exactly how you feel. When I was 19, my world was crushed when I lost my high school sweetheart, but that wasn’t my immediate reaction. At first, I thought I would just move on and be better off with someone else, but then, as a few months went by, I became devastated and desperately wanted what I had with her. She ultimately married someone else and was very happy. I felt even more worthless and dejected. I never blamed her or wished bad things for her at all, though. Despite my misery, I loved her so much that I was happy that she was happy, but I grew to hate myself more and more. I finally fell in love again 11 years later, at age 30. I had numerous infatuations along the way, but nothing I would call love. When I married, it was nothing close to the Heaven I had with my high school sweetheart.

So, yeah, I understand what you’re saying, man. I’m 54 now, still feel as good as I did when I was 18 physically and mentally, but my heart lives in the past. The kicker is that most of us don’t realize what we have till it’s gone and it’s too late. Many songs have been written about that, and movies made about it, so it’s not just us. It’s universal, it seems.

My life went like this:

— I fell in very deeply love with my high school sweetheart at 18. It was pure bliss. I lost her at 19. Result? My world, heart, and spirit were severely crushed for 11 years.

— I fell lightly in love with a woman online at 30. We met and married. I was happy, we had fun, but we weren’t a good match. We divorced after 16 months. I was barely sad for two weeks.

— I feel lightly in love with a woman online at 34. We met and married. I was happy, we had fund, but we weren’t a good match. We divorced after nearly 7 years. I was barely sad for a week. We remain friends.

— I fell very deeply in love with a woman online at 49. The best love of my life, by far. We met and lived together for 3 years. She wanted to get married after six months, but I was nervous about her drinking. Everything else was beyond perfect. So, because I was stupid, I pushed her away after three years. She stayed in touch for six months, and then finally moved on. When I learned she was dating someone else, my life changed! What the hell is it about that? It happens to a lot of people. We’re find if we’re sitting in limbo, believe someone else loves us, but as soon as we find out they’re in a relationship, it *ucks us up! Crazy! It really messed me up. I am still messed up severely over that and missing her and the unbelievable bliss we shared, but I was an idiot and pushed her out of my life because she liked to drink wine… a lot. Now my soul burns daily for her.

— I fell lightly in love with a woman I met online last year at age 53. She was abused and can’t really love or express emotions as a result. I’m very unhappy, and sick of the cycle of happiness and unhappiness that we all face. I think of the peaceful escape of death often.

So, all of that to say that I understand what you’re saying. I was a very popular football player in high school, and have had a good life, with plenty of women, plenty of money, plenty of education, and plenty of success in business, but the one elusive thing I can never hold is an enduring, stable love of bliss. Today, I mostly feel like “*uck it! If I can’t have that, what else is there in life worth living for. At least I knew real love… twice.” I just want the ride to end.