When it comes down to it, I think a lot of my issues stem from a fundamentally deficient mindset. The vast majority of people would’ve been able to deal with the circumstances I grew up in just fine. I was dealt a perfectly decent hand of cards. I just wasn’t granted the capacity to appreciate them. I wasn’t able to accept or find meaning in a world where I was seen as less than or inferior. I wasn’t ok with being average. And so I refused to play the part, and make the necessary effort to remain average. I became sub-standard. I didn’t value the place that was assigned to me, so I lost it. Rather than currying favour with those who looked down on me, I resented them. I told myself I was better. I wasn’t.
There were certainly times later on when I tried. Or at least it felt like I was trying. I smiled, and tried to be polite, and ignore how wrong it all felt. But my heart wasn’t in it. I suppose my expectations had always been unrealistically high, and by the time they adjusted, it was far too late.
Even now, I’m sure there are people who could make the best of my circumstances. Maybe in 5 or 10 years I’ll look back and long for the time when I had this much freedom. I long for the youth and hope I still had 10 years ago, when I could still pretend that things would somehow change. I was depressed and anxious and filled with shame, but on some level I still believed things could magically work out.
But right now, all my mind can focus on is what I lack. Love, affection, companionship, connection. Meaning. I have made myself completely alone, mentally, where no one can ever reach me. And that is only a problem because of expectation. The expectation that there will be somebody to love, to care for you. That you will not be an island. I am an island. And that is not ok, only because every fibre of my being tells me that it’s not ok. And there is no way out, mainly because my mind cannot forget that there is no way out.
But perhaps tonight I will sleep, and tomorrow I’ll be able to pretend for a while that meaning is still a possibility.
4 comments
Your post made me think of this song, “I am A Rock” by Simon & Garfunkel
A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow
I am a rock I am an island
I’ve built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship friendship causes pains
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain
I am a rock I am an island
Don’t talk of love
Well I’ve heard the word before
It’s sleeping in my memory
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock I am an island
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries
Granted this person seems to have been hurt by a prior connection versus his or her own thoughts, but it still seems apt.
Yes, I love that song (probably why ‘being an island’ came to my mind)! Think I’m much further down the path of isolation than what it describes. Possibly it’s closer to what I was like as a teenager, when I could still pretend I was ok with it. There’s a kind of defiant cheeriness to most of the song that I’m not capable of anymore.
Who’s to say it’s too late? It appears you’ve become self-aware to some extent, so what about now? What’s keeping you from valuing the time you have now, and utilizing it productively this very moment? Would you regret not doing so 10 years more from now? There is always a way to grow, if we choose to grow. What are your goals right now? Do you have any? Set a goal every day, even if it’s small. Thats what they do in psych wards every morning, and there’s a reason for that. I truly hope you feel better. Your mind seems in knots, and I hope this might help you to untangle it some.
Some things you can’t come back from – you just have to live with it. What’s keeping me from making the most of my circumstances now is the weight of the despair. A significant part of my mind longs to give up, to end this feeling. I know I’ll regret not making the most of this time, as I regret not making the most of the last month, the last year etc. Rationally I know this. But my rational side is fighting a war against the emotional longing for it all to stop. It’s like dragging a dead weight around. I’m constantly trying to divert my mind back to whatever I’m focused on, and away from the pit.
My goals right now are to limit the suffering I feel, obtain my preferred methods, possibly make enough money to avoid becoming homeless. Beyond that…nothing much. Maybe have a bit of hedonistic fun here and there, possibly gain a better understanding of reality. But nothing that actually feels meaningful. Nothing that really motivates or drives me. I’ve robbed my life of meaning.
I set myself goals most days. Sometimes I meet them, and it’s empty. Sometimes I don’t, and I feel worse about myself. My mind is fucked either way. But thank you for trying. I think what you said might be useful for people not in so deep.