it’s all just getting worse. it’s been a downhill spiral for so many years.
every single time i think something’s going to get better, even just a little bit, i’m slapped in the face and things get worse. it doesn’t matter if i hope a little or a lot for things to get better, or if it seems like there’s a way out – i try to take that way and i only fall further downhill.
i can’t afford to live. no one will hire me. i can’t do physical jobs because of my disability, i can’t handle college, i’m too mentally ill for most jobs, i’ve never gotten a single call back in my life, let alone an interview – i don’t even know what i want to do.
i don’t have enough money to fund my creative projects. the only things i’m good at aren’t getting me anywhere. i’m stuck with my abusive family. i’m just trapped. i can’t even do proper escapism to get away from it all because my mind is constantly throwing intrusive thoughts that trigger my ptsd at me every single second of the day and i’m constantly monitoring my mind, so i can’t even play with imagination or anything. i’m doing it as i write, too.
what is the point? what is the point of living in a fucking pay-to-win society when you’re disabled with a life built on nothing but trauma? you’re cast aside and never have a chance to do fucking anything. the world’s burning down, too, so why should i even bother making art if it’s not going to be around in the next 10-20 years?
i’m running out of reasons to live.
3 comments
I think the way we think about this is wrong. There is no meaning to life. Why look for reasons to live?
Because I have so many reasons to die. If there isn’t at least one reason to live, why would I stick around? I don’t really care about a “meaning to life” but I care if my struggle for any ounce of joy is pointless.
@OP, there are many ways of generating an income. You should find out what you are capable of doing with your disabilities and then go for that job.
For example I knew of a guy who had terrible vision (that was his disability), but he worked in a call center and he was proficient-he was there for many years. So I’m sure you can find some job that you could perform so at least you have an income.
The other option is to apply for permanent disability so that the gov’t can support you. But the welfare states in Canada and US are pretty shitty now. Only Europe still truly helps people, but you’d ofc have to live there, be a citizen etc.
However if none of those options work for you, then the last resort is to work ‘under the table.’ There are non-mainstream ways of making money-if you’re in a real bind and have no other source of income.
I’m also sticking around since I have a few reasons but I also feel trapped in my situation. However I am working on a project which has a good chance of succeeding which is why I’m not feeling totally hopeless. I just have to reorganize my life to make it happen.
But I’m approaching 50 and my best years are behind me. I plan to keep trying for at least another 5-10 yrs but if by 60 I’m still in a crappy state, then I will definitely pull the plug on this bad life.
Some days it does feel sad and painful to be alive and I seriously think about ending it. Most of the time I’m fairly emotionless and feel ‘ok’ but I’m just going through the motions since I think maybe it will get better if I keep working at it.
The worst part is that no one can really understand how you feel, that’s the human condition and why there are so many conflicts, people don’t really have feelings for others and can’t empathize. Even if they could there isn’t a lot they could do to help anyways. And let’s be honest for most of us, a big pile of cash would solve most of our issues, but good luck finding a rich donor to bail you/me out.
I had hoped by the time I reached this age I’d found my dream girl, had kids and a family, house and go on vacations. Instead it’s just been a bunch of bs, just trying to survive and make ends meet. I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been but still very far for the goal I’ve set for myself.
For me life is like a carnival, there is a lot of fun to be had, but everything costs money. Sometimes you gamble and you end up losing, sometimes you win. But eventually the ‘ride’ ends and we all leave one way or another. It’s up to each person to decide when their time is up.
In my case I have to remind myself during my low times to just suck it up and keep going. I have gone through much worse in my past than now. And what if that great life was just around the corner? So it’s good to try to push on as far as you can go until you can’t go any further for whatever reason.
So that’s what I’m doing now-hopefully I will be able to make my life better but if I don’t, then in 10 years from now I can look back and say that at least I tried. Though I’m going to wait till my mother passes away first, since she couldn’t survive without my support.