it’s all just getting worse. it’s been a downhill spiral for so many years.
every single time i think something’s going to get better, even just a little bit, i’m slapped in the face and things get worse. it doesn’t matter if i hope a little or a lot for things to get better, or if it seems like there’s a way out – i try to take that way and i only fall further downhill.
i can’t afford to live. no one will hire me. i can’t do physical jobs because of my disability, i can’t handle college, i’m too mentally ill for most jobs, i’ve never gotten a single call back in my life, let alone an interview – i don’t even know what i want to do.
i don’t have enough money to fund my creative projects. the only things i’m good at aren’t getting me anywhere. i’m stuck with my abusive family. i’m just trapped. i can’t even do proper escapism to get away from it all because my mind is constantly throwing intrusive thoughts that trigger my ptsd at me every single second of the day and i’m constantly monitoring my mind, so i can’t even play with imagination or anything. i’m doing it as i write, too.
what is the point? what is the point of living in a fucking pay-to-win society when you’re disabled with a life built on nothing but trauma? you’re cast aside and never have a chance to do fucking anything. the world’s burning down, too, so why should i even bother making art if it’s not going to be around in the next 10-20 years?
i’m running out of reasons to live.