Through a rather complicated event, I realized I’ve lost all empathy and feelings of guilt, i don’t know, for the recent few days at least. I don’t know if I’ve been saying sorry for show or not. I’ll go back to normal, probably. I’m okay, I’m not sure about the rest of the family, but, I know I don’t care. How disgusting of a thought. No one should stay happy and normal for such a long time, it’s just not possible, neither do they deserve it. Three days before I turned __, I remember trying to get supplies to kill myself, then 15, tried to hang electric cord, it was too low, the pole, too soft, curved in, then my foot touched the floor, a child’s amusement park ride. how paralyzed I felt in the morning, unable to move a limb after a night writing and deleting the same paragraph over and over. 14, crying in the guest room, the second I come home until I fall asleep. I don’t remember why, or what, just clips of it were left.
I don’t know if it’s the skeleton I like, or what, the sight of the curves of the rib cage, how the floor and my bones seem to touch so intimately, I just want to get smaller, thinner, lighter. I have successfully lost a bit of weight, it makes me feel more in control. now I weigh the same as I did in 2019, if not less. strange to think that that was two years ago, I remember talking to a classmate, vivid as if it happened this morning, in the ice ring, she said I’m skinny, she wants to be just as skinny.
Through a rather complicated event, I realized I’ve lost all empathy and feelings of guilt, i don’t know, for the recent few days at least. I don’t know if I’ve been saying sorry for show or not. I’ll go back to normal, probably. I’m okay, I’m not sure about the rest of the family, but, I know I don’t care. How disgusting of a thought. No one should stay happy and normal for such a long time, it’s just not possible, neither do they deserve it. Three days before I turned __, I remember trying to get supplies to kill myself, then 15, tried to hang electric cord, it was too low, the pole, too soft, curved in, then my foot touched the floor, a child’s amusement park ride. how paralyzed I felt in the morning, unable to move a limb after a night writing and deleting the same paragraph over and over. 14, crying in the guest room, the second I come home until I fall asleep. I don’t remember why, or what, just clips of it were left.
I don’t know if it’s the skeleton I like, or what, the sight of the curves of the rib cage, how the floor and my bones seem to touch so intimately, I just want to get smaller, thinner, lighter.
I have successfully lost a bit of weight, it makes me feel more in control. now I weigh the same as I did in 2019, if not less. strange to think that that was two years ago, I remember talking to a classmate, vivid as if it happened this morning, in the ice ring, she said I’m skinny, she wants to be just as skinny.