Found myself acting like a child after getting really angry. Who am I kidding, there is no one to go to. I am a child after it all, I should be one, why am I like this, why do I all of the sudden, look like this? I am so tired, I am so tired I am so tired I am so tired. I can’t fix myself, neither do I want to. Keep punishing me until one day, eventually, one day, I’ll find myself in bed, small, clueless, pale, free of sins. In a loop of time, there will always be one instance, the eternal cycle of it all, getting ready for the first day of third grade, oxidized pomegranates, nails stuffed with chip dust, crumbled sketchbooks, comic books, tugged tightly , don’t, ever. Everytime, everytime I start writing, I end up right here. All the foreign stories, Minor inconveniences, I’m sorry. When will apologies sound sincere, when will they believe me, I’m too tired to even think about suicide. I don’t . Words just won’t flow together. It amazes me that some people don’t hate me, I don’t even know which part of my thoughts are real. After all, nothing has ever happened to me.
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Nope, not too tired to think about killing myself, what a weird fucking day. Up and down and down and up and down I can’t deal with people around me, I keep thinking their thoughts for them, but they aren’t real, I don’t feel like I am either.
Either I can read their mind or I’m all wrong, either I am thinking everyone’s thoughts for them before they even begin or what? Or what? Have I been proven wrong or are they just lying. I do, I know what they’re thinking about. I know I’m wrong. I’m always wrong. God this is disgusting, sorry for commenting under my own post. it’s as if a part of my brain is rotting and I hid it so well even myself can’t feel it anymore. It’s so fucking disgusting how the brain can do so much. I told them that, I know what they’re thinking. I can’t live anymore.
A living sponge ive grown to become. Every character, reflection. she doesn’t want me she just needs a daughter. They want a trash can she wants someone to make her look better I know it I was that. Just because I can’t understand sentences as clearly, just because it’s always a mess. Even hidden on the internet even with the fingers to type even with a language I can’t speak, because I don’t know what it is, because I don’t know what’s happening to me. Always answering the question before the question even comes to be, I don’t want it fixed, I don’t want to know it’s name, just fuck with me until I can’t take it and one day I’ll get the job done. Back then there were times I thought I would lose my mind , the process must be slow. And I am completely conscious, being put to sleep, a death row prisoner, little by little, one year at a time, nothing really happened to me after all. I’m normal and nothing ever existed after all. I just want to die. I always make it sound worse than it really is
Sounds like you might be possibly having a manic episode. I was married to a Bipolar/BPD for 25 years and I seen her this way many times. She attempted suicide 3 times while we were married and the last time she was in a coma for 10 days. The irony here is all the while I was just as suicidal as she was but I had to hold on for the kids and even her. Now we are divorced and the damage is done. I hope you can get the help you need and im sorry if I overstepped my bounds with what you are struggling with. I do hope for better days for you. Im old now and my time is about due.
I’m not sure if I am bipolar, because I don’t really experience periods of heightened confidence. Thank you for commenting, at least we know, if we are conscious and breathing, that there will surely be an end.
haha
Drank drunk I feel w lot better now ^_^
Do you like the taste of Rum? I should ask, which is worse – the taste of rum or vodka?
I actually don’t drink often, once, twice a year tops. Haven’t tried that many types either, never really liked the taste.