I desperately want to go back in time, and be somebody different. Live a different life where none of this ever happened. But that’s not an option. If that version of me were ever possible, it’s long dead now. There is only the future. But I have no clue what to do from here. I’m so fucked up in my mind, my personality, how I relate to people. There’s this terrible side to me and most of the time it’s in the driving seat. And I love it and I hate it, all at the same time. It feels amazing one moment and awful the next.
I’m so full of loneliness and longing, but there’s no fulfillment here for me. I’ve robbed myself of any meaning my life might’ve had. I can’t stand to be around people; for my deficiencies to be exposed.
Even sleeping is so hard, when everything is wrong. My mind can’t relax; it knows how bad things are. I don’t talk to anyone for weeks at a time. I don’t leave the house for days at a time. And this isn’t new. I’ve been like this for the best part of 15 years. I’m so tired of the hopelessness.
1 comment
Im sorry