There’s no part of me left, who I originally was. Nobody in the fucking world is willing to take some time to listen, nobody understands what I’m saying despite myself making perfect sense. I don’t want to write poems draw pictures however the fuck to solve the issue. This anger lingers onto everybody, everything, close friends and family, sometimes I fall into loops of thinking about
of course I won’t and I’m just being a terrible person
I don’t know who I am or how I feel, as of now it’s just a loop of imagery. I’ve turned into a horrible person. I wish I could go back to a year ago with the terrible self esteem because now it has gone to the polar opposite, the dumb fucking thoughts that everyone who doesn’t love me can die. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. I want to wash myself out of this, I want to stop hating myself and everyone I want to stop running around in a circle. I’m not even that ill anymore yet im back here again. I just want to be normal, but I don’t know what that’s like. Why can’t anyone see that nobody deserves anything? I need to give up, I’m not worthy to be conscious
sorry for the language, sorry, sorry for taking up your time. I was very angry over a minor issue minutes ago, I don’t know. I can’t seem to be myself anywhere. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You must think I’m a miserable stupid *****, sorry for the language I’m really out of words at this point. Sorry for being the one that’s wasting oxygen here…I’m the worst out of all of them. Sorry. I hate people who don’t hate themselves. Still no diagnosis, they laugh at me being worried that I’m going to get worse, not just depression and things, its not even that bad at this time of the year but I don’t know. I know I should kill myself. I don’t understand why the things that come out of my mouth don’t make sense anymore, I don’t know why I think about numbers so much, or marbles, i don’t know why I want to take a knife and kill my best friend, I won’t, really I won’t, it just feels better that I confess it. I don’t know why I turned out like this, I don’t know if I can even read their mind anymore. Are they really thinking about how bad of a person I am? I am not aware of everything but I am, i won’t be the one to drag myself out. always the one to answer my own sentences, “then there really is no way out” “sorry, I can’t think of a solution” starting with anger once again I come to the conclusion that I’m a terrible person and I deserve every second of life as punishment. Being born itself is a mistake, even when I was born I caused my family so much trouble. To answer everything, the answer of everything, I don’t know anymore. I never know what I’m saying or doing, get back on track, the answer of everything is always the same, I should kill myself. Sorry for taking up your time, I’m just ranting I’ll get better soon, it’s fascinating how every one of these end the same “I’ll get better, sorry” every perspective merging altogether and it’s troubling. Because I can only be one! There is only one me! Sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying, no I do, but shut up, I’m going to end this here, please let no one see this pathetic post, really truly sorry for taking up your time, I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t kill myself, this winter is going to be scary, I don’t know how bad it’ll go on year after year, i said I would end it last year, everything’s wrong. Sorry, this time I’m really going to shut myself up. I think repressing everything’s turning me weird, I’m not upset anymore, this time I’m really going to shut myself up.
4 comments
heyyy : (
kind soul, first & most important thing… are You physically safe at the moment? are You ‘home’\in your place?
Hi! Thanks for caring, I’m perfectly safe and normal at the moment, thank you for commenting
You aren’t crazy. You make perfect sense to anyone who’s been there, but most haven’t, most never will, and more’s the pity. Those looping thoughts, always ending in the same conclusion, that dead end, that pit that doesn’t have a bottom, the emptiness, the loneliness, the sadness. Yeah, I get it, I AM it, so you’re not alone, not really, you’re just one of a very small number of people who explore their own depths, and find only darkness. It’s scary, it’s sobering, and it’s self-negating, and all you can do is say you’re sorry, sorry for sharing it, sorry for not repressing it, but it’s so massive, so ever-present that you can’t constantly suppress, distract, or numb yourself to it. That’s why places like this exist, so you have SOMEWHERE to just be, free of judgment, free to just be. Be sorry, if that’s where you’re at. At least you’re present, at least you see it. That IS something, miserable as it may be. I can’t tell you how to solve it, because as far as I can tell, there is no solution, but coping is a possibility. Somehow I do that, through self-affirmation, through gratitude, through love, through detachment. Is that enough? It is for now. Tomorrow is another day. Moment by moment we persevere, each in our own way. Your way is fraught, others cope through delusion, secure in their bubble of false security. No need to pop those bubbles, just be open to the people in your life that will let you in for a time, to bask in that warmth, and be grateful, even if it isn’t the answer you’re searching for, it is an oasis of sorts. Take care.
I can’t thank you enough for this comment. I wish to meet someone like you in my lifetime.