I don’t know if I’m actually going to keep up with this but at least I’m putting the effort in, right?
I started school this week and all I’ve been thinking about is how this is the year. This is the year I kill myself, the year I take myself out of the equation permanently. In my downtime since coming back, its all I can think about. How I’ll do it, where I’ll do it, when I’ll do it. The “How” was the first thing I figured out. Quick, easy, cleanable. The “Where” is still to be determined. The “When” is giving me the most trouble, though. At first, I wanted to do it in the winter, that way maybe hypothermia could lend a hand. Then I figured, “Hey, no reason your birthday and death-day have to be separate days.” So I planned to do it on my birthday; that way it’s still in the winter and it doesn’t add another day for people to think about me.
But shit’s happened and now I want to do it sooner, maybe sometime in November. That way, I can avoid the shit that’s currently capable of sending me into a full blown panic attack anytime I think about it. But now I gotta settle on a date. I’m thinking that I’ll do it after Thanksgiving, but I’m not yet set on it.
The “Where” is the hardest thing, because I don’t want my roommate to be the one to find me. That means I can’t do it in my room. But I don’t want to do it out in the middle of campus either. I don’t want to draw any attention to myself, y’know? But I think I’ve got the place just about figured out. Far enough away that my roommate won’t find me, but still on campus so my body isn’t sitting for too long.
Anyway, that’s life as I know it for now. Maybe something will change, maybe it won’t.