What’s the point at this POINT? Destroyed future and trapped

I am completely trapped in mind and body. I been feeling this misery since this horrible skin condition ruined my life. I never received much positive reception in late middle school and high school. Before that I was so social and popular, my interest included theater/acting, singing. Unfortunately I was hit with the ugly at 14, I developed severe acne not 15 bumps but like 100 bumps all over my face. This set me up to be taken advantage of and verbally abused. People would call me pimple skin, ask why I had so many bumps
Over my face, even people I hung around called me ugly. I was so naive I didn’t know any better. I was neglected and it hurt I would cry everyday after school praying for the pain to end. Now I live with the regret of being broken, know one stepped in to help me. I used so many creams, antibiotics that I am sure had harmful affects and damaged my skin tissue. Now I’m forever unattractive because of this. I’m angry at everyone around me because of it, more so sad. I felt disowned and abandoned by family and just detached from them, now that my skin is clear and I receive some rare attention from others I’m in which and disbelief and run away and avoid people I became socially anxious. Anyway I just wish some relative who was well off took me in at 14 and home schooled me until we figured out how to solve this issue. I was thrown to the wilderness, I developed severe social anxiety during this period. I wanted to remain hidden, I hated school I remember during lunch there were periods I would go to the library to avoid eating alone. Maybe I was scared of being alone. People would throw things at me randomly, it was all so painful these were my worse years ages 14-19. That’s the past but that’s my first pain. Ever since then I have felt an underlying emotional pain. I’m tired of living with the PAIN of being unattractive. I was too young to understand this pain. Know one around me even knew what depression was or misery. I resent my parents for even allowing their daughter to leave the house for school with such condition, they were so uneducated about the society. I should have dropped out something should have been done.

Anyway now I’m 28, still live at home with my parents and never left out on my own because of the fear of abuse in society. Anyway let’s talk about my second pain.

Things were beginning to look
Up, yeah I still had acne but when I graduated high school I went to a local university where I put myself into 14K in debt, I worked during the time and paid my own phone bill service and also paid for internet in our household. However I was still around verbally abusive people that I forced myself around because I was afraid of being alone I don’t know why I did this. Anyway I did so much better in my local university my grades were doing great I was getting As and bs not like in high school barely passing with Ds. Know one was concerned about my grades I felt, I was so ashamed of my grades I would hide my report card from my dad he seemed to care more my mom I don’t know about her she just seemed so absent dealing with her own stuff and trying to raise us she didn’t really enforce education. My dad wanted me to do better, I look back and I hold resentment towards my mom, when I first got my womanhood I didn’t even know what was occurring and wasn’t taught basic self care. There just wasn’t much home training mentally. Anyway I was basically neglected. When I was 21 I went to a community college where I did great but I changed my major so many times because I was so indecisive and nervous about what I could and couldn’t do. I had rare guidance except for my older cousin who would press me to finish she was the only one that seemed to care and stepped in. I had another older cousin that stepped in and told me nursing is what I should have done. However because I wanted to be loved so badly I had so much going on emotionally, I was naive and vulnerable and a predator took advantage of me. This is my second pain.


I was 21 at the time and we met through online dating app, we met and I was catching the bus as transportation. I can’t believe my parents allowed me to meet an older man, my dad told me he was a killer and I shouldn’t be communicating with him. I didn’t listen but he didn’t enforce it I was taken advantage of and we dated casually for a year he would force me to give him bjs and I was basically being assulated I just thought this was what bfs and gfs should do. My intuition told me something wasn’t right when I saw a ring in his finger but I was so naive didn’t know what to ask or do. He was my first sexual experience, I still regret it. I went through intense pain when I realized he took my virginity. I felt devastated I broke down. Apart of me died and I haven’t recovered since then it wrecked my future, since then I abused alcohol and I met another man in tinder who I allowed to take advantage of me when I was lonely depressed and vulnerable I abused alcohol and would vomit for a year. This was after 4 years of being depressed over that man, the next man I abused alcohol it was disgusting and I regret it and want to die so I don’t remember it. Next was recently I hooked up with a man for a 4 night stand. This is my last pain this one really hurt because I told myself I would wait until a relationship and I broke my rule and im ashamed of sleeping with him the first night I offered him sex while drunk he took advantage of my mental state and drunk state took me back to his condo and I woke up next to him he was already naked I went along with it because I was terrified he would attempt to rape me. I kept chasing him down for more I hurt my own self with this one, and finally the last time I seen him I told him im not his second choice or hook up and I cried and broke down. This one traumatized me further. Im over it but I won’t ever be the same after these events I wrecked my future and im 28, at my parents house, alcoholic, gained weight, stressed depressed, just totaled my second car and I haven’t been back to work. Im about to attempt suicide for the first time in my life. Never knew about the option wish I knew at 14 I would have took myself out of this cursed life.