I wish telling myself this was enough. That I could just be confident that I was coming across like a normal person. Either I try to just “be myself”, and worry that people are looking at me funny. Or I try to act “normal”, and constantly worry that I’m getting it wrong and acting weird. I wish I could just not care, either way.
I’ve really tried to not think about it. So people think I’m weird – so what? But I feel exposed – vulnerable. It feels dangerous. I suppose at some point in my childhood I decided that saying or doing weird/dumb stuff made you stand out, and that brought negative attention. So I decided to try and restrict my behaviour, and became even more quiet and withdrawn. And then that brought even more negative attention. So I decided “welp, I guess I just better avoid social interaction altogether, because I don’t have a fucking clue how to manage this”.
I don’t even know how I’m really coming across to others. The only concrete verbal feedback I’ve had is that I’m super quiet, and that I avoid eye contact, both of which seem to creep people out. Everything else is based on my interpretation of people’s response to me. When I’m more talkative and natural in my conversation, people seem to respond negatively – like I’m talking a foreign language or something. My mannerisms and ways of expressing myself seem to irritate people. But maybe it’s just that I’m hypersensitive to negative feedback, and everybody else provokes the same levels of irritation in others.
I don’t think I’m autistic, but I really relate to having no confidence in my ability to read social cues.
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this sounds a lot like me. im fairly confident its mostly just a me problem, but i also have trust issues so when people i ‘trust’ say its fine im thinking “is it really?”
human interactions cause me to dissociate to the point that i cant really see the person im talking to. i push it aside when talking to my husband because i feel like i have to, but a lot of the time we sit in silence because its just easier for me. and yes, actually having eye contact with the person just makes it worse. i feel like “normal” motions (walking, your arms swinging when you walk, ect) is weird to the point that ill copy people, and it still wont feel right.
It’s a me problem either way, but I don’t know if the problem is my acting weird and provoking a negative reaction in others, or that it’s just me being hypersensitive and misinterpreting the responses of others. Maybe it’s a mix of both. I don’t trust the few people that care about me to accurately assess it either.
That sounds hard to struggle that much interacting with someone so close to you. I’m still awkward talking to close family, but they’re kind of awkward some of the time too so it feels like less of a big deal. I guess I know that they know I’m capable of normal conversation at times, so I worry less about being judged than when talking to people I know less well.
I also feel extremely self-conscious about the way that I walk – I think probably because it was something that was made fun of when I was a kid. Also facial expressions – I always worry that I’m smiling in a weird way, and when I try to compensate for that I worry that I look too angry/aggressive – it’s like I can’t just do neutral/bland face.
Maybe this is not the right space for my comment, BUT here it goes. I work as a private investigator, and to be fair I am what people would consider an attractive female, but I have very low self esteem. I try my best to hide it and play a part in my everyday roles because I do not want to stand out. However, a trick I have learned is….. no matter how “weird” or off topic you are if you look people in the eye and have conviction in what you say then no one will see anything else. I will feel self conscious about an outfit or something so immediately, when I speak to people I look them so hard in the eye that they cant look away at what im wearing. When you speak of things you are interested in that you might find odd, just be so convicted about what you believe that people want to know more. It really is all a mind game. Also, I know a lot of people who like weird, you just never know. Also, I am a private investigator, so I have seen some crazy stuff, but guess what? That person always had someone who was interested in it. You will find your place, and if you can’t find it, just make it. Your tribe will come. After all, you may not be everyones 10, but you can be someones.
Thanks for your comment. I agree that looking others in the eye and investing what you say with conviction can make a huge difference. I think it’s something I find very hard to do. There’s a subconscious part of me that desperately wants to look away, and I think my eyes twitch/narrow as a result. I also worry that in some circumstances it comes across as aggressive to make eye contact too intensely – I’m a fairly large, bearded dude so it can provoke issues.
Investing what I say with conviction is also difficult – I’m generally in so many minds about the things that interest me that I’m sure it comes across as scatter-brained. I don’t really have any conviction in the things I believe, and I don’t like pretending – I don’t like bullshitting people. I think I just really hate playing mind games.
Some kinds of weird are indeed appealing, but I think I’ve lived long enough now to know that mine isn’t. Anyone desperate enough to want me is sadly probably not someone I want to be around. But I’ll continue to dream otherwise.
I agree with your answers as well. It does not always work, but sometimes. I imagine it is different when a guy is staring you down than a female. You’re right about that last part too. Whenever someone decides they like me, I know I need to never speak to them again because obviously they are deranged. But…. i am intrigued by your post.
It’s a shame if you’re unable to accept people liking you, despite being able to project at least some of the traits that are generally considered likable (conviction/engaging to talk to, attractive etc). I hope you have someone in your life who makes you feel good about being yourself.
Generally I assume that anyone who takes a liking to me would change their mind if they actually knew me, and that’s typically proven right. But I would be fairly concerned about the mental state of anyone who stuck around past that point. I’m sure there are people out there that desperate for company, but I don’t think I’d actually want to spend time with them (which sounds snobby, but it’s not that I think I’m better than them.)