Today I woke up with a stomach ache. Want to know why.? Because the past few days have been a walking nightmare. My government decided on some Covid measures, on which I can’t take the public transportation anymore, even though I rely on it.
I live in a capital city. No, I am not vaccinated, ’cause I don’t trust it yet. In 3 years.? Maybe. (Please, if you have a toxic opinion about that, don’t drag me down even more) I just want that person, who clearly didn’t think about ill or old people who have risks taking it, to suffer. It’s without logic. A few just stayed at home at this point, not going back to their jobs.
Look, I’m suicidal I don’t care if I die, even painfully at this point. Just let me use the freaking train to get to my therapies I so desperately need.! I can not see the world ever getting over this madness. It’s taking a huge toll on my mental health, everyone being so tip-toeing around everyone and everything.
When I’m in pain, I have to wait a month until up to three, until I can see a doctor, because everything is so full. I’m having surgery in January (nothin major) and I had to wait so long for that, seeing my quality of life getting worse.
Then there’s also that I will see my sister in December, whom I haven’t seen in years. But looking at all of this, EVEN IF she makes it here, I can’t even participate in outside activities with them.
I’ve shared my concerns and even that I can’t live this life like this anymore to a friend. She’s someone in a game, but still she always had my back. My rant had been too much for her apparently. After a few days of her ignoring what I’ve said, but talking in public chat, I said: Sorry, I won’t bother you anymore. And nothing came with that either.
Look, I just don’t think that’s what a decent human being does. We all should be there for each other. This has taken my last drop of energy and frankly I am so done, I don’t even know how to start my day. I have what you could call extreme PTSD for when people treat me, like I don’t exist, especially when I reached out for them to help me.
I… I’ve lost a good friend, because the government messed up my few appointments I was still going to. I will never forgive them or my friend. My heart is physically hurting, I had something similar that happened in this exact same game a few years back. It brought back that terrible memory of unkindness. Why is this happening again… I just wanted a trusting soul to listen to my troubles.
I’ve tried to end my life today, it didn’t work. I’m a good eater and had a relatively constant weight for almost a decade now. But I’ve lost 4kg… On what even…?
I said to a friend, that I needed for something to happen today. People don’t listen to the words you’re saying as a depressed/mentally ill/suicidal person. Why, just why does that person get to live a happy and careless life and I’m still contemplating, what I may shouldn’t have said. Why do I need to censor my deep thoughts.? Why do I feel shame, even when I’m not to blame for what happened.? My senses are numbed, but my heart keeps on being heavy like a gold bar. Which is funny, ’cause it’s definitely not made of that.