this is all one neverending cycle

So. I’m a “recovering” addict at age eighteen. Don’t really have much going for me, now do I? No. Not at all.
I suffer from BPD, MDD, GAD, and bipolar. This is great, isn’t it? Sounds like a bouquet of shit you never asked for. Sent by your ex. While you’re with your new partner. On a Monday.

To get to the point: I’ve come to the point where I want to die. It seems like everything in this world is against me, and I can’t take it anymore.  And some people might say, “Oh, that’s just life. Get over it – there are people dealing with worse out there.” Yeah? Guess what. I DON’T CARE ANYMORE! I want to fucking die, just to not feel anymore. I’ve been sober 50 days today and all I want to do right now is find the most available drug and use it. Hoping to overdose.

Why did all this start? I don’t know anymore. I’ve felt this sense of emptiness since I was eleven. And yeah, I wouldn’t recommend it. You guys on here probably know exactly what I’m talking about. That black hole that seems to suck up every ounce of emotion you have, leaving only the worst – anger, sadness. It’s been inside me for seven fucking years. And how I dealt with it? Self-harm, drugs, sex, therapy, medication… you name it. And somehow none of these things ever, ever work. They don’t. I mean, some offer a temporary fix. But it’s only a matter of time before the void makes its presence known again.

I don’t know what to do anymore, honestly. I don’t know whether to keep trying or to throw in the towel. The few releases I have are unavailable to me right now. I have tried everything. There’s nothing left.

Just like there’s nothing left in me.