Before the new year?

It’s been over a month since I’ve posted and things have been sooo much fucking worse. I tried to end my life 2 weeks ago and failed and I’m ready to try again. I just wish I could flip a switch and go. I hardly have any friends and half of them literally won’t talk to me and the other half just blame me for my mental illnesses and constantly try to evangelize me… I have no one and I feel like my soul is being fried. (I don’t believe in souls but idk what word to use). And my favorite person who I am in love and obsessed with wants and fucks someone else and he just keeps me around and entertains my feelings because I give him attention. I’ve never had a goal for my future other than vague concepts- love, happiness, and success, and at this rate not a single one of them are feasible.