Maybe the word is used up, but it has been a peculiar day, I dare call it weird.
When I woke up, it was an hour from when I had to leave, and basicly psyched myself up; get through today, then deal with the rest. This is for my first full day of training, at a job I am seven years overqualified for. A job where the people we help are only an economic rung lower than myself. A job where I’m supposed to prevent suicide.
I don’t know how that’s going to roll out, me being suicidal myself. Not that anyone has figured out, but you’d think trained professionals on precisely that would notice. And all the sensitivity trainings, it’s just deeper nailing in stuff that I try not to think about. Not that I succeed, but I keep the self hatred thoughts silent most of the time.
I guess that means on some level I buy into the concept of human life having value.
I won’t profess it! You can’t make me like it! I will deal with it, because you’ve made it so I’ll starve if I don’t.
I’m being melodramatic, it’s severely uncomfortable if I don’t, like having a boil on your FACE! I’d still live, but it would be survival, not life. It’s an awful thing we do to young people, throwing them into an economy that considers them disposable.
Ah well, I’m sure that’ll work out _great_. Humbug.
1 comment
An economy that thinks we’re disposable…what a brilliant way to word that! We live in a world that views many people as disposable. I have definitely noticed it even more, now that I have had to leave my career in a respected profession to go on disability. When I was always wearing a suit and had a somewhat impressive answer to the question “what do you do”, I commanded a lot more respect than I do now, in my ratty old sweater and on disability. (One time when I was trying to get an urgent mental health appointment because I wasn’t sleeping, the intake person said “do you really need to sleep? What do you do for a living?” When I told her, she said “oh, yes, you do need to sleep!” and made the appointment. Nice to know that only certain members of society are entitled to sleep! I definitely would not get that appointment today…) It must be awful working in an environment that focuses on suicide prevention when you yourself are suicidal. On the one hand, you probably understand the subject matter better than anyone else, but on the other you are surrounded by reminders of your own anguish. I hope you find a way to manage it as comfortably as possible. Best of luck to you!