Earlier in the year I shared how my depression took a major downturn when my wife informed me that she was leaving me. I did not act hastily and do something stupid then, that to me is just drama. Instead, I checked myself into the hospital, and spent 4 weeks trying to sort through everything. Since that time, I have been in a daily fight with my depression, and I am losing. Continued therapy has not helped, and everything I try to do for me to make things better seems to be blowing up in my face. Today I found out that my job could be in jeopardy. Everything I have touched since that date my wife talked with me seems to blow up in my face. I use humour as a defense mechanism, and all I can think now is that if I got into the funeral business then no one would die……
Well, I think that is wrong and I do not see myself making it through this holiday season. I’ve heard it before that it can get better, but I have learned that it can get very worse. I cannot take any more. I had two medical procedures and during each one while I was under, I felt nothing I am hoping that that is where I will go when I am ready to transition out of this world. I just want to disappear.
I’m pretty sure my plan will succeed, and I hope I just fade out of existence.
4 comments
hey, im glad you’re still here.
Beware of what you say to the shrinks or other docs. They can permently really screw up your life. I learned the hard way. Finally had to tell them I was no longer coming back to see any of them and I was done with that. All the time going to these folks didn’t do any good. Just more drugs to try and “help” you. Finally stopped all the drugs and dug myself out of the hole and realized I’m me. No matter what, this is me and I have to live with it. Learned to keep my thoughts to myself for fear of being hospitalized again and put-on mind-altering chemicals that don’t do any good. You will survive in your own life, but hear me clearly. Shrinks can really F you up worse than the depression. I keep my depression to myself inside my defunct brain. But its me and I live alone by myself in my own world. That is me. No one is allowed in my world anymore. I now just wish for a swift death. Depression is not a medical issue, it is what happens in our lives that shapes our thoughts. So, I say FU to the world. Stay away from me and leave me alone. I’m just fine in my own screwed up mess. So what, it is me and I cant change that.
One song that relates to my situation is Dreams by Fleetwood mac. I learned that rain has washed me clean of the chemicals and and got me back to my own world. I wish you luck, but your story is also mine, in some respect. Keep the world out of your mind, your better off. You are who you are and you can live just fine.
“if I got into the funeral business then no one would die”
This was legit an excellent joke. I like your sense of humor. I hope you find peace, preferably in this life.