My body is getting better at saying no, and I’m getting worse at talking it out of it. Yesterday at work I had a two hour long anxiety episode. It was just rolling panic attacks, and I masked my way through it, I thought I was going to get away with it and bounce back….
but things got worse when I got home. I was too tired to do anything, and my struggle for self care made it so I couldn’t calm down and sleep. Finally at almost midnight I wrote my resignation, turned off my alarm, and decided that there wasn’t any way to keep the job.
Waking up this morning….. I know I did all I could, but I still feel awful. I chose health, that’s supposed to be the “right choice”, but every time I do that it brings me shame. I don’t know what I want anymore. I thought work would improve things, it did for a short bit, then it made everything worse. My loose grip meant that the moment the job started to intrude on things that help me function, I dropped it.
My therapist has been saying that I need to reprioritize, but doing that means I either have to find a different kind of organization to work for, or retrain. This is different for me though; I don’t hate the job, and I really can’t find reason to hate myself the person. My body pisses me off, but I get where it is coming from.
It’s just a shitty choice; get sicker, or get poorer. Talk about a no win scenario