My depression is overwhelming today. It’s hard just to breathe. I do not want to exist. I have never wanted to exist. As a small child, I asked a mall Santa to die. Things got situationally better for a while, but I have never, even at the best of times, wanted to actually live.
Now, I’m in a cycle of continuous emotional and professional abuse. I am so beaten down that I can’t escape. Every decision I make just pushes me deeper into the fire. And that’s the way it feels. It used to feel like I was drowning on dry land. Now, it feels like I’m being emotionally burnt alive. I have no strength left. I work from home at the moment, and I haven’t showered in two weeks or more. I just can’t do anything but slave away at a job that continuously punishes me for reporting discrimination and abuse from a new hire whose BFF friendship chain extended to the director. There is no justice in this world. I have always known that on an intellectual level, but my soul cannot stop screaming out at its lack.
I’m looping, but I can’t not loop. My whole identity was bound up in how well regarded at work. All I ever wanted was the abuse to stop. I told HR. I didn’t want my initial abuser punished. I just wanted him to stop. And for that, I have been utterly destroyed.
3 comments
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar working environment quite a few years ago, although not that harsh like you describe. I was going through some other stuff in my personal life so I wasn’t able to cope with everything happening. Fortunately I was fired from that job and after getting a new job a month later, this will took a turn from me in a good way.
I’m sure you probably already were given the advice to change jobs? Currently there are quite a few jobs that you can work remotely. Is that your preference? Do you enjoy the type of work you do minimally? I also feel very strong about injustice that I see day-to-day and it really pisses me off. And if you call out, you are the bad person from calling attention to something happening. Indeed a unfair world.
I know I should get another job, but I’m terrified. I’ve been where I am for over 20 years. I don’t trust myself at all anymore. But, I did get some good news today.
The director whose nepotism protects her abusive friends (and her husband/employee at one point) is moving to another part of the company.
Those abusive friends of hers have already driven three people to quit. She has had at least one lawsuit for racial and age discrimination result from her tenure, and the North American head of a major supplier has also complained to the company (one of his biggest customers) about his female engineers being abused by the same person who was my main abuser.
Neither her nor her cronies will ever be held accountable, but hopefully with them gone I will be able to start to recover my reputation and career.
Oh, and she was only allowed to take a handful of people with her to her new role. Guess who they were? Her little BFF party of abusers.
I will accept a lot of reasons as valid for wanting to give up, but your job being shit doesn’t make the cut. I am not invalidating your pain, the pain is incredibly real but I also want to emphasize that you are NOT your job. That company doesn’t give a shit about you regardless so your loyalty should only go as far as your pay check goes.
Work can be fun, meaningful and inspiring but I am pleading that you separate yourself from your labor. You are so much more.