Earlier today, I thought I had the rational path to my death. I had the thought that I could throw myself entirely into something, then when that fails, let the failure consume what is left of me. Problem; you can’t plan to fail. So I can’t throw myself at something unless I’m getting something out of it, and that sort of goal doesn’t exist.
I’m really working on it now though, not recovery, recovery is worthless. I’m going to either escape or end, and I don’t care which, only that it needs to come soon.
I don’t think more pain will work. It would dampen my rational ability, and give me an urgent feeling, but I’ve got that from the pain I have now. There’s been more pain for awhile, and still I don’t reach a point where dying would be any easier.
It’s not enough that I not be in this particular miserable hell right now, I need to know I’m not coming back. That’s the beauty of the whole death thing; dead things tend to stay so, never come back to life and return to their suffering. I keep thinking there might be some narcotic release, not of all pain, but enough narcotics that I’d forget about it for awhile.
Was talking with the hotline earlier, complaining about the state of my care, and he said “that’s just community mental health”
that’s a horrible answer. It admits that our elected officials aren’t willing to shift enough funding to keep me alive. I don’t care if incompetence is part of the cause, what ticks me off is that people pretend to want to keep me alive. Why? The resources left to the task aren’t enough, and if they were willing to accept my professional estimation on the fact, I could stop suffering.
1 comment
“I could throw myself entirely into something, then when that fails, let the failure consume what is left of me.”
This is probably the most inspiring thought I’ve heard regarding suicide. Not the usual “it’ll get better” or “happiness is out” there BS to promote recovery. Your strategy is to fully embrace destruction and actually use it to fuel us forward. I think you should revisit this strategy because it’s pretty damn brilliant.
As for planning to fail, I agree that the thought sorta defeats the effort. But what if you choose something can only fail when you quit? Say for example you decide you’re going to write a book. Every page you write gets you closer to completion, and the only way you can fail is if you stop writing.
In any case, whatever you might choose, I think it’s great approach to focus on just 1 task and let it consume you. Even if it ends in failure and suicide just the same, something about it feels more satisfying than just staring at a wall waiting to die. The idea that you’re doing something is a form of positive motivation, and I agree that’s the only motivation that still works for those of us already drowning in pain.