the cause of my current disappointment is a minor, most stupid issue. I’m not gonna mention what happened because I know people could be judgmental; even in a wordpress such as this.
Anyway, yes. Life is not worth living through. You don’t get the things you work so hard for. You don’t deserve them because you fucked up in any way you did. Everyone saying you’ll get things accordingly to your hard work are lying through their teeth. Or very much annoyingly privileged. Being in debt is your fault. Not being able to live right is your fault too and I’m so annoyed with myself for even saying all that.
Because there’s nothing I could do right and I’m constantly being reminded and punished for it. Life did not benefit me.
Sure there are happy moments. Maybe we shouldn’t be chasing for happiness but if I die right now, I would not care. Unfortunately I don’t have the means to sever my pitiful existence. I just hate.
Hate how I am in this moment. And I hate everyone around me too. I hate not being given chances that I can’t take. I hate just, how much I even loathe this life. And everyone asking me to stay back deserves to suffer akin to my suffering. I wake up thinking about how I want to die and sometimes I don’t even choose that for me. It’s just a natural thought because my body is like this. Because I’m like this.
Thank you god for all these while. None of this is your fault. You’d given me everything I could have possibly need. If I don’t meet you in heaven then I won’t. If you say I don’t deserve it, it’s just what it is. Not your fault at all. I’m just too pitiful. I’m just too disgusting. I could not even do you right.