I have this desperate urge to feel connected to another person, but I don’t think I’m capable. I don’t like people, not really. Not even myself. Especially not myself. A part of me thinks I’m better than everyone, though most of me knows I’m far worse. I can’t risk anyone seeing the truth. So it’s all meaningless. I’ve cut myself off from humanity – I’m completely alone. It’s understandable that my mind should seek an escape – isolation is a genetic dead end. But escape would require a brain that wasn’t poisoned. I will die this way, however long I live for.
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connection is an illusion, the manic feeling that “ah, that person understands how I feel”, they do not, they cannot. They might see similar patterns, and the best outcome is that they realize what a difficult time you’re having of it.
We all live and die alone, trapped in the cage of our minds, by the bars of our senses, grasping for closeness while our time runs out.
Well then it’s an illusion I feel a desperate need for. Which is kind of a problem.
Loneliness is so painful, you start to believe everyone is better off without you, and you without them… you start to split, at least from my experience, you really truly believe you’re scum and wasting everybody’s time being alive… when you think about it, none of that makes sense… but see loneliness seats itself that way… when mixed with self hatred and despair at least….
It’s been a long time for you… I’m sorry, husk… if I could hug you and take it away I would. More than anything
I appreciate that. In my case I am pretty scummy as a person, but I was lonely long before I did anything to deserve feeling this way.
Many years ago when my life was going well, I was arrogant for a while and didn’t really feel I needed anyone.
Ofc I was young and naive, and didn’t realize it was because I had a good set of friends, got along ok with family, had a gf, etc. that I didn’t really feel I was missing out on anything.
Until over time some of my closest friends started to find work in other cities or we just drifted apart, that I began to realize I was just taking everything for granted.
Eventually I did start to value my relationships. There were a couple of events that happened, I think one was a falling out with my friends at the time-also some superficial friends in university that I realized that I am a social person and I need a good group of people in my life to feel ‘normal.’
There are some people who don’t feel the need to be around other humans and that’s that’s cool, their brains are wired differently, but from my own experience I feel that most regular people do need some human interaction in their lives.
I feel that you probably want or need people in your life because if you didn’t I doubt you’d be posting here.
Look I’m not going to judge you for whatever has happened in your past. We’ve all made stupid mistakes, sometimes our life was partly ruined because of it. I believe in second chances to use the cliche and I wouldn’t fault anyone for reaching out.
Nobody ever has to know anything about you-I’d say just go out, make friends. If you got away with whatever it was, consider yourself lucky and move on, so long as you’re not bringing problems into other people’s lives.
From what I’ve seen in your posts, nobody else is preventing you from making any contacts, you’re really doing it to yourself.
Ofc when we’re older it’s harder to develop deeper relationships because people are just set in their ways. But you can make friends to do hobbies and sports for instance. This way you get some human interaction and can talk at least superficially about your life with them.
Or perhaps you want to live like a monk or hermit and there are ways for people to do that also. I think it’s better than being stuck in a rut and wishing you could make new friends.
I personally could never allow myself to persist in an endless bad state. The older I’ve gotten the less tolerant I am of living in a bad life, because I feel I’ve suffered enough and living is just overrated.
So if my life takes a major downturn with no hope of getting back to a decent place, then that’ll be it for me. Fortunately things have been going well so I’ll keep on going for now. Though I have my bad days where I don’t wish to be around, but those are usually minor events.
But I digress….I think you want to be more engaged with the world or you wouldn’t be talking about it. Most people will know nothing about you or your life unless you volunteer the information. You have no obligation to share it and past bad deeds are better left unsaid if you want to make and keep new friends.
I don’t think I’m a very social person, but I agree that I need some level of human interaction. I’m not sure having that kind of superficial friendship would make much of a difference to this feeling though. It hasn’t when I’ve had friends in the past. It was nice in a way, but it didn’t reduce the longing for something more meaningful. Sometimes it actually amplified it.
Ya it’s not easy….the friends I made in high school were more loyal and supportive than my university friends. Sometimes my current friends annoy me, but nobody’s perfect. So I just bite my tongue and put up with any BS I don’t like.
At times I’ve wanted to ditch these relationships but I don’t have any fallback plan or older friends I can turn to, so I keep trying to make it work. I guess when I eventually find a decent partner, I’ll spend more time with her and I won’t care about my friends as much, they’re all hooked up also, so it’s probably why they don’t value their friendships as much either.
Building more quality, deeper relationships only happens with time over years. It’s a bit harder to do unless you make friends with people who are similar to you from school, univ, or work…outside that, you’ll have mostly superficial relationships unless you really get lucky and find a good person or people.
A better bet is dating, over time you can get a more enjoyable relationship, assuming you click well. Life is short, I’d rather not waste it thinking about the past or wishing it was better. I either focus on improving it-which is what I’m doing it now, or I make plans to end it.
Granted I’m not alone, I know there are millions of sob-stories out there like mine, but I feel if I can’t get some of the good life I see millions of others getting, then fcuk-it, I’m going to end this existence.
Unfortunately I’m in a ‘middle’ state where it’s getting better but still not at the higher level I want to be, so I have no choice but to keep going. Still somewhat miserable but hopefully in a year or two at least I’ll see a more positive change if all goes well.
But there are times I really don’t care-I’m heading into my 50s, I have very little to live for or to look forward to. I’m happy I don’t have kids either, that’d just be an added headache.
If I didn’t have any entanglements (like my close family members) then I think I’d be more keen on opting out of life. Life is a daily effn struggle. You’re a slave to your job, then you have to do other things to maintain your life, it’s just not worth it in the end unless you’re paying off a house and get freedom and retirement.