It’s been… quite a week. A friend recommended me to work with them, my car broke down, and my parents decided to take a more active role in my life, and we got our tax return. I get that most of that is good news, but I just feel overwhelmed. I was supposed to be doing a self esteem journal, but that fell apart on Monday. I want so hard to satisfy others, but even now that’s a struggle.
Now I’m doing that thing, where I sit absolutely still and try to imagine I’m anywhere but here. It feels like my soul leaves my body, a dry run for death, quite lovely in a way, also scary. I find myself doing it more and more. I wonder if someday soon I might become completely catatonic. I wonder if that’s what I really want.
My parents keep pushing, they want me to go back to work, and I get that on a financial and emotional level. It just seems beyond them that I’m doing all I can, and unless there is some kind of miracle, I don’t know when I can go back to work.
I’m doing all I can, yet they still want more. I have no more to give, but they still require more….. they think this is just a slump, but this is the most debilitating depression of my life.
Whatever, I give all I can, I gave all I could, that’s the best I could do. If that isn’t enough, tough, the world is a cruel and unyielding place, you’d think they’d know that by now.