I cant figure out why I should bother with sobriety in the first place.
My SO isn’t feeling like much of an SO lately…
I know he’s upset because he’s worried but those emotions are making me feel like I should keep things to myself. That’s the opposite of what an SO is suppose to make you feel. They’re suppose to make you feel like you can talk to them. They’re suppose to hug you and say it’s ok. When you fall instead of getting disappointed that you did they’re suppose to pick you up and say it’s ok try again.
But I’m feeling like I’m better off recovering on my own and then if I’m better off recovering on my own what about that saying where real friends help you during the dark times. If you aren’t here to help me now why should I keep you when I’m ok.
But youre all I have. I don’t have other friends or activities to fill my day. I have nothing. I’ll just go back to drinking and smoking up. I’m bored, alone, don’t give a fuck about life. Why should I even bother?
4 comments
‘Drinking’ im teetotal but i was at a party about 6 months ago. Foolishly i drank not that much four full cans so four pints and like a degenerate i drove home drunk and was subject to a 36 hour hangover , so boozing and me don’t mix
‘Smoking up’ is fine less you go over the top but personally i fucking love it! 5 nights a week does the trick for me.
I don’t really get hangovers. And given the chance I’d probably be drunk all day. I know one weekend my bac was apparently close to blackout drunk (.17, the math is an estimate but I don’t think it’s far off) and I know the way I felt that night was no different from how I feel most weekends, so over drinking is probably a normal thing with me.
If I am going to quit maybe a breathalyzer off Amazon could help, and be fun lol.
What I am is high basically all day. I typically have ~3 joints a day. 2 at least, 5 at most. Although I went sober for Friday morning to Saturday night, then I had 3 joints in a couple hours so, in a day if I wanted I could probably have more then 5.
This isn’t a healthy way to live, but like I said in the OP I don’t care about life. Why would I care when my life is nothing but triggers? Hell at work today I counted 4-5 triggers in the span of 30-45mins, yeah I want to be alive.
I keep trying because I want a healthy relationship with substances. My SO is on a similar journey, and sometimes we compare notes, but it is very much an internal fight.
Giving stuff up doesn’t work for me, because then I crash back and binge. What works is careful limitation. I’m allowed three beers a day, an amount I know won’t get out of control.
“ I know he’s upset because he’s worried but those emotions are making me feel like I should keep things to myself. ”
This statement is on point, intentions are good but the result isn’t.
It’s okay though, keep trying. **hugs**