I wish there would be a day when I could openly announce all the shit I do and why, bet my classmates would actually start to realise how painful these things are and apologize for gossips. Don’t judge a book by its cover, really. I may look like the weird kid that does weird shit for the sake of attention, perhaps they think I’m autistic or something? I don’t know but behind all of this pile of shit there is a person begging for help, I want to be seen positively. I can be a nice person, I can be a good friend, I can be loyal, I’m positive I can but I’ve fallen too low. I can’t get out of this shithole, experiencing hell everyday over and over again has made me the same person people think I am when they first meet me. Arrogant. Annoying. Agressive. Quiet. Anxious. Perpetually angry. Egoistical. Delusional. And you know what? Maybe I have fully become all of these things. Perhaps I’m already long gone. The world destroyed me, no, I destroyed myself. Gods, what have I done? By now I feel like I’m just a husk, the shell of a human, empty inside. I feel as if I’m drowning yet I’m surrounded by people who somehow fail to see me.
What am I supposed to do? Alone yet in a crowd? When everyone has their back turned against you? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do???
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Whenever I feel like the world has turned it’s back against me, I find it comforting to know that I can turn my back on them in return. We do not require the acceptance of others, but we must accept ourselves. In the end, everyone is essentially alone in the world. Our own thoughts, our own feelings, our own problems. Others can give their input, but ultimately, we decide upon the actions we take and the solutions we gravitate to on our own.
So, what are you supposed to do, you ask? My suggestion is to learn to accept things as they are and create the best life you can out of that. The TRUE answer though is that it’s all up to you.
Problem is I can’t accept reality, I never will. I will never accept to live in penetrating boredom, I will never accept that I am lost to this world. I will never accept my thoughts. There isn’t a way to accept something so debilitatingly painful. If you could accept such things you’d be completely gone. There is still some of “me” in me, I have the urge to fight this instead of giving up and accepting that as it is but with how things are going I don’t think I will be keeping this up very long, not in the good way.