suicidal thoughts are the only thing that make me feel alive. the only times when i feel anything is when i cry.
i managed to control my intrusive suicidal thoughts, i am doing much better in many ways, but now it seems that there’s still something like cptsd. it was there for over a decade, i just didn’t know that it had a name. and now that i am better at staying focused, when i get those cptsd triggers, they are intense. perhaps it’s because i can reach deeper into my memory, into my past.
i am not sure if i have the energy for this anymore. i have barely any motivation left.
this world is just not appealing to me, and if i can’t focus properly on the things i want to do, if i can’t derive pleasure from what i do, then i just end up feeling numb, and crying is the only thing that’s there left for me to experience.
5 comments
why is writing on this site so relieving? it’s like magic. i wrote hundreds of times this amount of stuff in my journal and it was never as relieving.
i will have to read more about cptsd, and about triggers, watch the youtube videos maybe. i think i will just have to learn to control my emotional response to triggers, because i am not willing to avoid them. and then i will add a section about responding to triggers in my journal thingie, right next to the self care routine, and next to the grounding exercises. i didn’t have a need to use the grounding exercises in about half of a year i think – so that’s good.
and i will have to relearn how to be happy because i remember that about a year ago i wrote a post here about how it actually turned out that it is indeed possible for me to be happy if i choose to.
what a cursed site this is. it’s always like this, why do i even bother posting if i immediately feel better afterwards…
I’m glad you feel better! 😀
then it is a blessed website ^^,
i am not sure if this will work anymore. my suicidal thoughts are back. they aren’t as extreme, but they are there. i think i survived about a year without them.
and those are the same thoughts as i had before, which means that the tactics which i was using to defeat them don’t work anymore.
and this is something that has already happened few times before. the suicidal thoughts come back whenever i start to feel better. i become indifferent to things. detached. disengaged.
i just recalled what exactly those tactics were. i just can’t see them, because the site is broken, so i couldn’t go back to see that post, and that’s why the suicidal thoughts came back. those tactics do still seem to work though.
I have CPTSD and it is really rough. Healing often feels like two steps forward, and one (or sometimes even two) steps back. Here are some books that have helped me, and most are free in ebook or audiobook from the library: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo, and The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van der Kolk.