I’m back, the trip went…. more successfully than I expected. All the same…. I don’t feel a damn thing anymore. I feel a desire to feel, a longing, empty feeling. I willfully spin away the hours, trying to feel some joy or satisfaction in things….
we’re in that time of year, where even though the hours of daylight outnumber those of darkness, sometimes days in a row will go without sun, without much light because of all the rain. Which should be great, I know lots of people are living in draught, not getting enough rain to survive….. which just makes me more sad; I don’t have a thing to do with all this water, apart from wish that it was getting to the people that need it.
My flowers are blooming…. some part of me is pleased at that. Tomorrow I go back to the therapist, at least I think I do
nope, they didn’t text me to remind me, and I haven’t found my printed schedule… so it’s 50/50 on prospect A; whether I get up and go in…. followed by prospect B which is probably also 50/50 – whether I actually have an appointment.
What does it matter? What does anything matter? I feel like I’ve been wounded fatally, and the rest of my body hasn’t caught on yet.
One thing for sure; I don’t want to wake up… tomorrow or for that fact ever. Sometimes I think about seeing how long I can hold still, see if I can force my way into being catatonic…. then I think that’s probably as much an unrealistic fantasy as gainful employment for an employer who cares whether my health gets worse
someone should care, right? That’s the whole point of individualism, to me, that the creature called me has some innate value….. it just doesn’t hold true if you look at the evidence. We’re all disposable accidental meat…. the universe’s idea of how to fight back against entropy, and even calling it an idea is generous; more of a deranged notion of consciousness
I actually prayed for the first time in… awhile…. while I was out of town I had one night where sleep just wasn’t happening, so I sat on the porch and smoked whilst wondering where it would go, and here’s where it went; I discovered that if tired enough I could fall asleep on a concrete slab, and when I get to that tired, I can fall asleep anywhere.
Anyway, my spiritual point is this; I have always expressed an interest in whatever supreme being telling me what they are going about, what is “intended” if anything… and the answer hasn’t come.
The explanation either being that there is no such being, or that there is and it isn’t interested in us.