Reflecting on a toxic situationship

 In summer 2021, I was in a horribly dark place. I couldn’t even get out of bed and cried every day. By august 1st, I had met a guy. I met him on bumble bff. I had just spent the last 6 or so months engaging in degrading hook ups and trying to find ‘love’ and has given up. I was his perfect target.

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD and told that I possibly had autism according to a few therapists I had seen before, so basically when it comes to dating, I get obsessive with people and idealize them, on top of missing bright red flags.

As I said before, I was just just looking for a friend, specifically women but he seemed alright, I thought. We got along well right off the bat and he was very charming and I quickly fell for him. I won’t get into the whole chronology but I wish I had realized sooner that he was a manipulative POS. He said he loved me but mentally couldn’t be in a relationship though he didn’t mind screwing me. He always gave me false hope that one day soon we’d be official.

I told him things I never told anyone and he was a comfort to me while also destroying my mental health. I have a history of being hospitalized in psych wards for suicidal thoughts and attempts, but I had gone over a year from September 2020 to October 2021 without being hospitalized which I was proud of despite what I had been going through for the past year.

In November I was deeply suicidal because I was ‘paranoid’ that he was talking to other women. Notice the quotation marks. A good friend of mine who I lost because of him and my own stupidity had told me he was seeing other people and he called me to explain it away. But why would she lie to me? That entire week I was… I don’t even know. I think of it as a week long panic attack but idk if that’s possible. I was shaking and crying uncontrollably the entire week and completely lost my appetite. Then I had a massive all day one that I went to the ER for because I thought I was having a heart attack.

The 2nd and final hospitalization during this ‘relationship’ was caused by me attempting suicide just a week before Christmas because he admitted that he had been fucking his ex girlfriend the entire time. I didn’t end the friendship until 2 Sundays ago but I should’ve done it the day he told me.

I’m writing this because I had a realization. The reason I stuck around and feel for his manipulation is because he always played a victim or like he just messed up because of his past. He could explain everything away because he was mentally ill too.

What I realized was this: every well written villain can be sympathized with to some extent or has a motive you can understand. But they’re still a villain. A good one, actually. Though I think that’s a good way to think about it, I think that’s also a part of my problem. I saw him as some type of perfect human in the beginning and it’s like my mind just divided everyone between good and bad but those words can’t really be applied to anyone. There’s no objectively ‘good’ way to be.

I kinda saw him as a reflection of myself which was also why I stuck around after December. We were both looking to fill and emotional void without mentally being in a good place for that. And I talked to him about it and told him I was worried he’d treat other women the same way he treated me when he told me he was on tinder talking to people.

And I thought, if you know you’re emotionally unavailable, why do you keep doing this? It’s selfish. He only cares about his pleasure and he admitted it to me. He said he like that I was attached to him though I told him it was damaging my mental health. He said his ultimate dream was a threesome with me, him, and his girlfriend.

We never went on a date. He said it was because he was broke but we met at hotels which are way more expensive than a casual dining restaurant. He made me feel like a piece of meat and whenever he’d flirt with me he’d only talk about my body and looks. He never said anything about my personality or asked much about my life or anything.

He made me feel bad for not listening to rap music or RnB much and even said I’m not black though Black people have made other genres as well (plus I’m not fucking American so that’s literally not my culture??? I’m a Jamaican immigrant). I guess this may be a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but the music I listen to has gotten me through dark times for almost 10 years and has been a comfort to me when I had no friends, and this dude I just met is telling me I should feel bad about it? He also made me feel bad for not liking the show one piece as much as he did. It was around the 200 episode mark and I said I thought it was slow and that I didn’t really want to watch it anymore and he said “now I know what kind of person you are.” What the fuck is that supposed to even mean?? Why do I have to like everything you like? I was very anxious that he would get angry whenever I spoke to him.

Every time I brought up an issue I had he’d instantly shut the conversation down. Either he was too tired or some other bullshit. And by the time he was willing to talk, he found a way to turn things around on me and I would find myself apologizing. Simple things that people should be able to talk about would seem like the end of our friendship.

And that was indeed how our ‘friendship’ ended. I was talking to him about feeling depressed and he started talking over me. Like I’d say I feel x and he’d be like “hold on let me talk. You don’t feel x, you actually feel y.” He’d done that many times when I was just venting or telling him about something and I could literally never get a word in about my own. Fucking. Issue.

So the next day I told him, hey, I don’t like when you do that and it makes me feel invalidated. And instantly he goes, “nothing I say is ever helpful. Just don’t talk to me anymore.” I tried explaining to him that I wasn’t even upset and was confused as to why he was suddenly blowing what I said out of proportion and then I just had enough.

I was like, “You are manipulative and you don’t listen.” And he sent some replies but I was enraged and didn’t care to acknowledge what he was saying. I told him that this was the most depressed I’d ever been. And then the next day he apologized. Usually I reply within minutes or at least the same day but this time I just wanted peace and didn’t reply for 4 days.

But I still cared about him and finally asked how he was doing. And he just replied damn and for some reason that just broke me, idk why. I was extremely suicidal and day dreaming of ending my life in a bathroom mall so my family wouldn’t have to find me. That was on Saturday I believe and I was doing my finals for college, and since my last attempt had failed, I decided that I would first finish my finals first then head straight to the mall to do it.

I was typing short answer questions in the middle of crying and that’s when I realized, why am I gonna end my life and devastated my family over this man? I blocked him on everything. His number, Instagram, discord, Nintendo, Xbox.. and it was kinda daunting but I kinda I had to do it. I had *tried to end the friendship before in February but I was still attached to him and the next day I begged him not to leave in a panic. But now, two weeks later I genuinely feel better than I have in a year.

I recently began processing the whole thing a few days ago, realizing that it was incredibly toxic. It was honestly a traumatic experience for me and now I feel anger but I guess it’s a part of letting go.

It’s kinda crazy because in late February I think, I saw a psychic at a fair. She basically described the events that happened and said that I needed to stop talking to him or my mental state would get worse. Usually I’m not into those practices though I respect it but I was convinced because of the details she mentioned during the reading. I had thought about her words from then to when I ended the friendship and hoped somehow he would change, but I understand that he would if he wanted to. I’m glad I listened to her.