every day, it’s a struggle to keep enough energy to do the things I need to, or that I should do
I struggle to eat, like my relationship with food is a substantial amount of the problem. There is food I’d like, and it’s fucking expensive, and my income can’t afford for me to eat like that every day, really I can’t afford to eat like that at all…….. which means it’s work to eat. Every time my blood sugar drops, which is often, I have to go eat something…. when my energy sags I have to go smoke…. when my throat gets dry I have to go refill my water…….
Oh, and did I mention that I work a physically and emotionally demanding job? cause that’s a thing…. where is the energy to work supposed to come from, after I find the energy to eat food that seems gross? Now I can’t even spend my income on things that I want, it’s all needs, every time I get a job, all needs, maybe someday in the far future I can get the things I want, probably not though, chances are after another five years of hard work I’ll be just as broke and desperate.
why fight it? I get that everyone is really jazzed about the maybe future of someday perhaps if I’m really brilliant for another five years being financially independent, but from my point of view it’s a fairy tale. I got a four year college degree, research assistantship, and some really good extra curriculars…. guess that was just money down the drain eh? The government keeps putting off my loan repayments, and I’m like;
Do it, tell me I owe you SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS for a degree that has done nothing for me, for five years of hard work and effort that I apparently WASTED ENTIRELY. I want to have that discussion, because it’s going to end with me disabled from the stress. Where’s the financial value in grinding people into the dirt? how does that get you your sixty thousand back? How does that give me any repayment on MY INVESTMENT?!
fuck. no wonder I hate food. Every time I eat it means staying in this heartless pointless existence.
I think I have the energy to go find a rope…. there’s a part of me that calls that a fantasy, but that’s a thing I could do, and this whole shit show could end. Sounds like a plan to me, more of one than expecting my efforts to be rewarded
3 comments
What did you study? Was it fun doing research assistant things? I keep picturing you in khakis, smiling in a yesterday scene. Haha
:B I met someone that claimed their calling in life was filing stuff. In an office. … >.>
There’s no point to that fact, just putting it out there. That lady is very happy organizing things until the day she goes to glory. I could never.
You at least have the guts to put yourself out there. I admire that about you, personally. I agree as well, actually, the next bill collector that calls, just pick up the phone and shit in their face. Shit fire, hang up, take a deep breath. Do it for me, because I hate them too for stressing you out.
My major was Psychology, minor in Computer science, it was supposed to be a double major, and I refuse to believe I’m better for dropping it to a minor.
I was processing the whole thing with a coworker today, former social scientist, now an electrician. In five years it is a sure thing I’ll be making more money than I ever could have in my prior job. Electricians make scale, so whatever your rank pays, you make roughly that. I’m already making more per hour than my last gig in Child Welfare, because I get paid for every minute I’m on the job, the state was apt to cheat me out of my hours.
Which is what it comes around to. The people with power and money are fundamentally corrupt idiots. They could be successfully corrupt just by paying people like me off. Now I spend my days contemplating my revenge on my former employers for destroying my passion for helping people. Then again, they are quite effective at running themselves out of business, maybe they don’t need my help.
Then, have a smoke and believe me that these things can change over time.