It’s been a while. I didnt try to kill myself last year.

Hi. I dont think anyone is around from back when I posted here regularly, so I won’t say anything. This post is mostly because a friend of mine told me I should write a letter to the girl that used to be everything to me, and then left me and shattered my whole world even more than it already was. Anyway, I’ll start.

Reading back on the messages we sent to each other, I can tell that you probably didnt like me that much. I mean you said you were cold and empty and that you never felt good about anything but I didn’t believe it. Even though you were so cold, you were the only warmth in my life. We met each other at a moment where we had both given up. But you gave me the strength that I needed to not kill myself. And then you left me, and didnt talk to me for a whole month. I felt so bad. It was my worst nightmare coming true. Every day, every night, I was struggling with paranoia and hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. I seriously thought that my parents were plotting to kill me and that you were the only one that could save me. And then you left me. But I wasn’t angry at you. I was just sad. More sad than I will probably ever feel. It felt like a big piece of my heart was ripped away from me. Like my whole world was taken away from me, because you were my whole world. Maybe you felt a similar way when your parents died? I wouldn’t know. You always talked about how you wanted to make them proud. I wonder if you still feel that way now that death is so close. I don’t know if you are already dead, or if you will die in November like you told me you would. I don’t feel like I deserved having you in my life, and at the same time I feel like it’s unfair that I have to feel like this. It’s weird, right now I just want to be able to forget about you and fall in love with someone again. But how am I supposed to love anyone as much as I loved you? I am more mature now, yes, and that’s probably a good thing but at the same time I doubt I can be as obsessed with someone for as long as I’ve been with you. I mean I met you in like January last year? And then you left me in the end of March. I think it was on March 28 if I remember correctly. At that time I didnt think much of it, I just thought u were mad at me and would continue as normal the next day. But then you didnt talk to me for A WHOLE MONTH. And everyday I was checking your steam, even though you blocked me, to see that you were still doing things because I thought that you would actually kill yourself and I was so scared because I promised that if you killed yourself, I would do it too. We literally made a suicide pact. Just thinking about it, back then felt like a fever dream. But then when you came back, instead of being honest with you, I apologized because I had convinced myself that it was my fault that you left. That’s the moment I think about the most, and I regret it so much. I dont understand why I did it now, but I know it was because I was so scared that if I told you how I really felt, you would leave me again. That if I told you that I still loved you, and I still wanted you, and that I would do literally anything for you, you would leave me. I don’t know why I couldnt just be honest. I wish I was. And then we barely talked until you sent me that message in September that you would die in 14 months. The only thing I did was send you memes because I thought that would make you more happy. I mean, you even got a girlfriend. I didn’t even know you were bisexual before you told me you had a girlfriend. And I mean. You said you left me because you hated everyone, including me. There were so many things I could have said that I didnt, but there’s no point in writing them down now. I’ll probably miss you and love you forever but I hope that after writing this letter, I will be able to get over you and find someone new. I still love you, Lucina. Goodbye.