I’m surviving on thin margins here, thinner than I realized. You don’t know how little is holding you together until it is taken away. I had a game that was helping, relaxed me, helped with focus. Now it doesn’t work, don’t know when or if it will again. Today I almost lost access to my pay for another week, and fell apart…. thin margins when 7 more days without pay is 7 too many.
I thought about killing myself today. Not in a telling other people sort of way, more in a practical get it over with way. Didn’t see that I was that close to it until it was right in front of me. I hate this, always having to wait or take it on the chin, always being called to be more mature, be kinder, when my kindness has nearly run out, my maturity is at the breaking point….
what’s the pay off? what could possibly be worth this torture? I don’t see it, probably won’t ever see it.
therapist tomorrow, for all the help that is (sarcasm)