Today I got up and decided that certain specific challenges needed defeating. That’s more agency than I get most of the time, I picked what I fought, because I knew I could win. Then it gave up with very little fight at all, and I’m left frustrated; why is everything else so hard?
when I can see a problem in front of me, marshal resources to attack it, and set my mind to overcoming it, I do, it’s what I’m good at. These other enemies though, not so easy, I can’t point to them, or mount resources to remove them. If only I could.
The problem is I’m smack dab in the middle of a culture without a clue how to motivate me, so I have to manufacture every bit of passion and drive from nothing. Which is why I get depressed, me minus drive is depressive.
I have things I want, but they are either out of reach, or beyond my resources. So I shoot at what I can, win what little I can, live to fight again.
It’s very frustrating, having been rich, having substantial cognitive and physical resources, and not being able to put any of that to profitable use. Then people say “you’re smart”, thanks, I’ve been told that for the last 30 years, and it doesn’t matter in any appreciable way. It’s like having a sports car, and nothing but dirt roads. I long for a challenge, but suspect it will remain beyond me for another decade at least.
Capitalism sucks, as a method of applying talents and resources where they should be, which is the purpose of an economic system. Sometimes I wonder; had I been born in a command economy, would it find use for me? or would I feel as disconnected and alone? We’ll never know, but this whole democracy thing sure sucks for the common man. I wanted to be ordinary, because I thought ordinary people were happy, now I am, and I realize that all they are is further limited, further demeaned. Not that they are of any lesser or greater value than me. Just they get pissed on more, and the repercussions for it are stunningly lax.