Hello again. This isnt really a vent post or anything sad, I just wanted to clear my head a little bit. For the past few days, maybe even the past week. I’ve been reading the Bible quite a lot. And yesterday I went through every single one of my posts on this website lol, reading all of them took more than 2 hours.
I guess I should say thank you to everyone that has helped me here, especially System (I dont know what happened to them but I hope theyre doing well), and HeartlessViking. I want to say that my life is getting better, and I guess it is but it is going quite slowly, and I’m not very patient.
I still struggle with a lot of things. I’m not sure where I’m at mentally at all, this Summer has been absolutely insane for me when it comes to the emotion I’ve felt. I felt really depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts when I was taking abilify, then I stopped taking all of my medications. I thought something bad would happen, but really, my head feels a lot clearer than it did before. I no longer have the olanzapine draining all of my energy lol. Last night I only slept 2 hours, and I dont feel tired at all.
It really feels like some type of mechanism turned on inside of me when I stopped taking the olanzapine, which just. Made me more me. I remember in one of my posts I described antidepressants and antipsychotic medications as “stupid idiot pills for stupid idiot people”. Of course, that’s not true, and it was just my paranoia talking, but I thought it was funny, and it made me laugh when I read it yesterday.
Really, I kind of feel like I’m just living in the present instead of focusing on my past all the time. I’m not sure what caused it. I guess the main thing is that I wanted to get over my first girlfriend so I decided fuck her, I’m not gonna be sad about her anymore. Like yes, she is going to die from stomach cancer in like 2 months but there is nothing I can do for her, so I won’t bother wasting my energy and emotions on it. And the fact that I’m able to do that really shows me how far I’ve come. Being able to just take all of my negative feelings and throw them away and focus on something more important is really a wonderful thing.
So the first thing that happened when I tried to stop thinking about her was that I started watching a lot more porn. Which I should not do, of course. Then I found this book online called easypeasy, and I read it and managed to stay free from porn for about 11 days. Which doesnt sound like a lot, but to me it is. Now I’m reading it again, but I’m not sure if I should.
What I’m currently trying to channel all of my energy into is really studying the Bible so that I can get a closer relationship with God. So for the past week I’ve been doing that. And I’ve got to say, it feels pretty good. I dont feel happy, but reading the Bible really gives me a sense of fulfillment, and it makes me want to dedicate my life in the service of Jesus Christ. That may sound extreme, but honestly, I have never really had any dreams of becoming anything. That doesnt mean I want to become a priest of course, staying celibate forever requires a level of self control that I simply dont have.
I’m also starting therapy in a week so I’m excited to see how that will go. Although to be honest, I am a little bit nervous. Telling quite a few details of my life that not even my family knows about me to a complete stranger is such a weird concept to me. I do have friends, yes, but they are not therapists. They are kind, loving, understanding, and supportive though. I wish everyone could have friends like that.
I also started sexting a girl who’s 7 years older than me, which is like whatever. She’s not trying to manipulate me so I dont care. I mean it sounds weird how I’m saying I’m reading the Bible constantly and want to dedicate my life in the service of our Lord, and then I’m just. Exchanging nude photos with some girl that I dont even know. Maybe it makes me a hypocrite! At least I am willing to admit it. It doesnt make me feel nearly as bad as watching porn because I dont feel very lonely. So the way I see it, this is actually an improvement over what I did before.
That’s all I wanted to say. Again, thank you to everyone on this website, you are all wonderful people that deserve better than what life has given to you! Even if you dont want to accept it.
2 comments
Thank you, beloved brother/sister in Christ for sharing your great improvement, I’m sooo glad and happy for you! ^^, I Thank God for you, thank you beautiful Soul, for seeing the value you have. Indeed we were bought at the immense price of the Blood of Christ, the incarnation of His Love for us.
Of course that things get better, I’m sooo glad you managed to endure a long struggle. A few days ago an old-timer posted, being back from 5 years, how things improved for him too.
Take care and be well, brother. The YouVersion Bible app verse of today is:
“In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.”
Psalm 94:19
I had a friend that went through porn addiction too, he was 16 at the time. Until he was hospitalized, he didn’t understand it was something that could be treated. I can tell you he found relief in receiving treatment for it. And funny thing about his sex addiction, I’m a girl, I spent every day with him, he didn’t creep on me. It was something within him that he felt enslaved to, in a sense. It took over his life.
When I say treatment, you probably picture people at a license branch, or something really stereotypical, like “blah blah I understand, holds big banana” but no, there are professionals that can alleviate with counseling etc
My friend could vouch for that. But don’t get discouraged if one counselor doesn’t fit with you. Just switch and don’t give up. Like finding the right hairdresser, sometimes.