sometimes I really want to feel some sort of way about things. I can’t afford to, my life is run at an emotional deficit, therefor every feeling has a price tag
The thing I would like to feel some sort of way about is that awful project I was on is over, and as fast as that happened, in two days I start a new project. Will it be better? worse? the same? No way to know but to live it.
Meanwhile, I’m wondering when I’ll crack, if I’ll crack I guess. I started to come apart last night at the thought of more vet bills, which I can’t afford.
Trying to focus on what I have, and not on what I don’t. My truck hasn’t been this close to functioning in a long time, that’s a big thing I have. My tools are all up to date and working, that’s a huge asset. I have a job that is so desperate to keep me I’m allowed to behave quite horribly and still keep the stupid job.
Oh, and my long estranged friend responded today, once…. I get it she has BPD and her emotional deficit is worse than mine most of the time…. but I miss her. It would be nice to have someone to compare notes, share the load of the misery…
Oh well, onward, new schedule, new location, some new coworkers… fun? scary? anxiety provoking? all of the above