maybe it’s childish, maybe i deserve it in the end. i don’t like to go outside of my room and see his horrid face and hear his demonic voice. i keep myself in my room until he slumbers, starving myself till it’s time to go out.
i’ve been living with hunger pains for 2-3 years, and only now am i getting more moody and suicidal because of it. cutting myself more, bashing my head more, and choking myself more just to get the pain out. even so.. after all these years of being hungry, i still limit myself to 900-1200 calories. is that too big? i’m not sure, whether or not it’s big or not should be good enough for me. i shouldn’t eat much anyway, im a fat ugly fuck. i’ve always been a fat fucking kid.
i’m going to be 18 soon in late october. i still feel so.. childish. i still cry for mama in my bed, i still cling onto whatever sort of innocence i have now before he taken most of it away, im just a fat womanchild still holding onto whatever sort of childhood i have. toys.. plushies.. children movies..
how am i supposed to go on if i can’t grow up? how am i supposed to go on if i’m not smart enough? how am i supposed to live like this, and how is anyone in this world supposed to love me? i don’t know how longer i can take it. i’m so tired of being alone, im so tired of being stupid and afraid.