tomorrow is when i graduate high school.
why is my brain still holding onto being a child? the constant yearning for care and love.. the amount of plushies i still have.. and how much i get hurt from the most smallest of things..
it’s not like i want to grow up, but i need to if i want to survive. i didn’t expect to live this long though..
graduation is coming up.. how did i make it here? i should’ve died a long time ago.. i don’t know what to do after, and i can only regret what i haven’t done long ago. i wish i was part of a big project.. a big community.. hell, just something to add to my portfolio but.. i’ve never been motivated to do anything, even making comics.
but i could’ve been something.. and now? i don’t know.
i just had a dream about one of my fears, being pregnant. when i awoke, i had realized something..
the one good thing about me is that i’m ugly as shit. no body would want to knock me up or rape me because of that fact, so i don’t ever have to worry about being pregnant. another thing is that now that i’m 18, no pedo pretending they like me would not go for me anyway, since i’m now out of their preferred age range.
i suppose that’s the only good thing about me.
things have been going pretty okay, but i cant shake this feeling..
i want to drink till i puke on myself, i want to overdose on pills and watch the world around me morph and melt. i want to starve myself till i can finally feel my hip bones again. i want to stab myself in the gut take a look at my fat meat and my insides. i want someone to find me in this state and hold me close while i’m dying and tell me that they love me, they always have, and that the hospital will fix me. i want to be cared […]
my life has been going rather fine! we moved into a new house and i’ve been helping out a lot with home improvement stuff and cleaning out our yard and planting stuff! i got a garden growing and some flowering blooming.. we have so many plans for this house.. it’s overwhelming, but in a fun way. me and my brother seem to stay out of eachother’s way, but he’s still an asshole time to time, but that’s it.
but another thing always comes again to ruin it.
about two years ago, i went through a breakup over call when i was venting to my […]
it’s rather late, but still, i would like to wish everyone an okay christmas and a better year. keep hanging on.
how did things go so wrong in just a short amount of days?
i want to get out of here, please, for the love of god. we lost the house we were going to move to because they rented it out to other people while under contract, so now im stuck with a shitty brother and a shitty neighbor.
and with the rise of ai art.. art with no soul.. no compassion or understanding, just mangled messes now threatening my future- or at least the future i think i wanted to have.. i was never really sure on what i wanted to be in the first place. […]
anywhere, far from here, far from humanity and where i can stay and create my own little bubble world
a world where i can see my friends, go on adventures, make food, do anything i can’t do right now
i had thought long ago that by now, i would be dead or would have some sort of fulfillment in life.. but now as i grow older, i become more unsure and tired.
i’m 18 in twelve days and i’m supposed to know what to do in this life.
am i supposed to end it? am i supposed to pick some random thing to study and take classes for in […]
the weird moments of me almost bursting into tears are happening again, i feel like someone is choking me. i wish this feeling would kill me. im in pain most of the day, i feel like im abusing my ibuprofen. i wonder how my liver is doing.
whats wrong with me this time? more loneliness? get over it you stupid little ****! people have it worse than me, people don’t have a loving brother either, hell, even family and friends. boo fucking hoo. im the most selfish person i’ve ever fucking met. there’s things like diseases, wars, and death happening in this world, and im focusing […]
maybe it’s childish, maybe i deserve it in the end. i don’t like to go outside of my room and see his horrid face and hear his demonic voice. i keep myself in my room until he slumbers, starving myself till it’s time to go out.
i’ve been living with hunger pains for 2-3 years, and only now am i getting more moody and suicidal because of it. cutting myself more, bashing my head more, and choking myself more just to get the pain out. even so.. after all these years of being hungry, i still limit myself to 900-1200 calories. is that too big? i’m […]
lonely, i’ve been. no matter how much i say that, it still doesn’t change. i’m stuck in this pit.
my own little world has been harder and harder to focus on, a place where i’m not that lonely.. but this one album(s) makes me carry on. it’s called The Metal Opera by Tobias Sammet’s Avantasia.
i found it simply on a whim, i started with one song called The Seven Angels.. and ever since i’ve been hooked.
I bought the gold edition CD, and reading though the whole lore makes me feel more connected to the characters, the world. i love everything about this album and i can’t […]
nothing bad has happened, not yet.
as this day reaches its end, i get this very very sickly feeling in my stomach. butterflies! so many.. i can feel myself almost puking out of anxiety.
but not because anything bad is gonna happen tomorrow (i hope). i’m going to a club in my school, and hopefully meet some new friends. i know if i’m that anxious, i probably shouldn’t go, but i still want friends. i won’t let some butterflies stop me.
why have things been getting worse? they were looking up just a handful of weeks ago, i feel dreadful. i haven’t hyperventilated this much since i was in grade school, and i’m always on the brink of tears each hour of the day.
i don’t mean anything to anyone, how could i let my guard down and be tricked like that? i feel so dumb, so stupid! i don’t have anyone i could talk to, not even crisis people can help me. no one wants to be around me.
no one takes me seriously anymore when i say i’m sad, im sure as hell everyone thinks i’m […]
why is it so hard now that im older? joining things like random chats dull the loneliness for only a short bit, and im sure its going to be more tough once im back in school.
no one really talks to me nowadays, unless its about art i owe them. ive made up so many characters in my mind, things that make me feel cared for.. but only for a while. im not insane, i know they’re not real. i know they dont care about me. even with calls with my friends, i usually end up just quiet because i dont want to interrupt anyone else […]
starting today, my mom is taking off to meet with my step brother, which means i’m left alone at the house with my abusive brother
ive been feeling rather dazed, nothing has happened yet, but im still anxious to be alone with him. i hope these days pass quickly, and he doesn’t try anything. maybe i’m just overthinking things and he won’t try anything, but i still feel uneasy..
as a result, i do not plan to go out of my room at all. i’ve brought some snacks for my room with my mom and i filled a gallon jug of water. my bathroom is very close […]
putting aside the fact that i think im not really that attractive, but at least i look.. kinda cute on days where i actually take time to take care of myself, my body is very weird.
for 2 (almost 3?) years, ive been eating at least 1 or 2 meals a day (however, on days when i can’t catch my brother sleeping so i can sneak a meal, i usually just let myself not eat for that day), portion doesn’t really matter, but it’s been getting smaller and smaller. i used to binge eat alot when i was younger, i never got rid of that hunger […]
i will not forgive him out of your convince. you’re my mother and you’ve been with me every step of my life, and i’ve told you the things that man has done to me. you simply don’t care, you just want us to be a “happy family” again. why do i have to be silenced? why do you leave me alone with this horrible excuse of a human being? why do you defend him?
when i told you i wanted to die, you told me you wouldn’t care if i killed myself. now you just deny saying that in the first place whenever i bring it […]
everyone hates me, no one loves me and no one ever will, everyone wants me dead, everyone cares about me, everyone loves me.. it’s all the same damn thing in my head. why can’t my brain make up its mind? do people care about me or not?? stop giving me a damn headache! i’m trying to sleep here!
i still get nightmares about my ex.
i wake up in cold sweat, still wondering if they’re spamming my phone with apologies, excuses, pleas, or just menaces. i have dreams about them crawling back to me for revenge, mocking me. sometimes i do have dreams of them being nicer.. but i always remember about how much they stalked me. im surprised there hasn’t been a bomb sent to my house since they probably still have my address.
i’ve heard their voice in my dreams, its been such a long time. it was soft.. but i still get shaken up.
no, i dont miss them in any shape or […]
of course i have friends, they care about me very, very much! they helped me out when my brother was being abusive, they stood beside me when my ex was stalking me! why do i think they don’t give a shit about me? what’s wrong with me?
i wish i can hug them all! but they’re all online.. i wish i can stop thinking like no one cares about me. people do, i’m lucky to have people like that in my life! ..even if i can’t touch them, even if i can’t fully express my gratitude to them because i’m horrible at expressing my feelings.. […]
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