Furby

maybe it’s childish, maybe i deserve it in the end. i don’t like to go outside of my room and see his horrid face and hear his demonic voice. i keep myself in my room until he slumbers, starving myself till it’s time to go out.

i’ve been living with hunger pains for 2-3 years, and only now am i getting more moody and suicidal because of it. cutting myself more, bashing my head more, and choking myself more just to get the pain out. even so.. after all these years of being hungry, i still limit myself to 900-1200 calories. is that too big? i’m […]

i will not forgive him out of your convince. you’re my mother and you’ve been with me every step of my life, and i’ve told you the things that man has done to me. you simply don’t care, you just want us to be a “happy family” again. why do i have to be silenced? why do you leave me alone with this horrible excuse of a human being? why do you defend him?

when i told you i wanted to die, you told me you wouldn’t care if i killed myself. now you just deny saying that in the first place whenever i bring it […]

i still get nightmares about my ex.

i wake up in cold sweat, still wondering if they’re spamming my phone with apologies, excuses, pleas, or just menaces. i have dreams about them crawling back to me for revenge, mocking me. sometimes i do have dreams of them being nicer.. but i always remember about how much they stalked me. im surprised there hasn’t been a bomb sent to my house since they probably still have my address.

i’ve heard their voice in my dreams, its been such a long time. it was soft.. but i still get shaken up.

no, i dont miss them in any shape or […]

of course i have friends, they care about me very, very much! they helped me out when my brother was being abusive, they stood beside me when my ex was stalking me! why do i think they don’t give a shit about me? what’s wrong with me?
i wish i can hug them all! but they’re all online.. i wish i can stop thinking like no one cares about me. people do, i’m lucky to have people like that in my life! ..even if i can’t touch them, even if i can’t fully express my gratitude to them because i’m horrible at expressing my feelings.. […]

i want someone to at least care for me, i just want a new big brother that doesn’t abuse me. i just want to be loved not romantically and i just want to be hugged.

i suppose thats too much to ask for..

i hope once i die, i can retrieve all i wanted in this life.

convos with anyone are getting scarce, it feels weird to talk when im in call with a friend or when talking to one of my family members, mostly because i hardly use it nowadays.

so silently, im sinking in stress and puddle of sadness i made for myself. i wanna cry out for help, but would it be worth it? does anyone really care enough to reach out and say “you mean alot to me”? do i mean anything to anyone? i have friends, but i hardly talk to them. the only time people talk to me is when they want something from me. i feel […]

i get angrier at myself by the day, i feel agitated and get headaches by just talking or texting. I’m trying my best not to relapse into self-harm, but i cant get over how fucking stressed i feel right now. as im typing this, i don’t have my knife in sight, but i think after i post this im gonna cut myself still im tired.

i feel so taken apart, so fucking used. i wish i had friends, but im so fucking unlovable and uninteresting. no one wants to stick around me, im so fucking useless in this world.

ive taken some old pills of mine, amphetamine […]