Tired

It’s my first time using something like this, but anything will do at this point. I feel like my voice is being enclosed and my vocal cords are shut down. I feel like I’m not enough everyday and have to live my life pretending to love those who could care less about me. Everyday I’m not enough, and every night I cry myself to sleep hoping for something different….for 7 years now, this feeling hasn’t gone away. I feel my body slowly becoming more and more numb each time I realize I’m not enough. My father was never around and my mother is too obsessed with other men to even care about me, so I’m left taking care of my younger siblings like the older brother. My mother’s current boyfriend drinks and drinks and drinks….and doesn’t stop. He’s hit her, me, hurt my family…yet she still takes him back. He’s caused me to hate myself, caused me to despise him. I hate this, I hate everything, and I hate my life. I’ve tried commiting twice in the past and I was clean for a year until recently. I’ve tried to drown myself out of spite, so that finally my mother could care about me, but I do nothing. Each time I come close, I freeze and end up suffering after. Choking on water. I also began my habit of s/h again, it feels oddly comforting knowing that I can actually feel and I’m not a robot encaged in someone’s body. Though it’s a pain when the scars show, and people ask me about them. None of my friends really know the true me, and I feel sorry for being so fake to them. It’s just hard trying to change only to go back into a circle. It’s hard being given a false sense of hope, hard being told that what I feel is nothing and I should get over it. It’s hard to try and leave this horrible world, but soon I hope to be free….