I had nightmares most of the night, experiencing a situation of psychotic depression, a complete lack of faith in the world around me to be consistent or fair. I believe that if I wasn’t sleeping 12 hours a day, I’d probably be having an incident.
It took until 1:30 PM for the email to come, saying that despite my interview and work, the job doesn’t want me. I can’t pull up anymore. Immediately the voices of therapists was in my head; “well, it could still get better.” No, all signs are that it won’t. “You can try again” No, I can’t. I’m only stopping short of suicidal because I’m deliberately interrupting negative spiralling. I don’t have the emotional resources to make progress, all I can do at this point is keep my foot on the brake.
but for how long? It’s a hail mary play, not that I know jack about football, but aren’t such plays assuming that if time is bought some positive end may yet be gotten? It won’t. There is work I want to do, it doesn’t want me. There is work that is willing to let me do it, I am medically incapable of doing it. How is this not disabled?!
all the coping skills are bunk compared to the enduring despair and hopelessness I feel. I’m being mindful, focusing on the present, the present is a big bag of crap. No amount of wishful thinking will make it otherwise. It’s frustrating that you can get all kinds of critique for unrealistic thinking when it is negative, goes against the established narrative, but the established narrative that there is hope for anyone is patently flawed and the worst magical thinking I can imagine. Where is the thinking correction for the shills peddling that lie?! Maybe THEY should be on so many medications they have to do a count up every time they dose.
1 comment
It sucks. I suppose the question would be: does this knockback mean that there is no hope of a different outcome in future? Obviously that depends on the specifics, but I suppose anything one applies for contains an element of chance – the more often you’re able to do something, the greater the chance of success, unless it’s actually impossible. Even massively rigged games must inevitably pay out if you put enough into them.
Of course, whether you can bring yourself to keep rolling the dice is a different question entirely. If you can take time to recover and gather your resources first, then that seems sensible.
It’s absolutely not fair, and we instinctively feel that it should be, possibly because we’ve been raised to believe that this world is part of a master plan. It is maddening that society is deeply inconsistent and needlessly wasteful of our potential, especially when it could so easily be otherwise.