Taking some time for self, IE trying to make peace with unemployment is putting a few uncomfortable truths in front of me. The big one is there is a reason I’ve held onto unhealthy career relationships, having work to do soothes me in a way I haven’t found any replacement for. Maybe it’s self fulfilling prophesy, but when I work hard all day I don’t feel guilty if I get less than everything done…
yet I struggle to self start. If someone external doesn’t give me a deadline, then it is unlikely the work will be done. Which is a source of quite a bit of anxiety. Today, as an example, was supposed to be a “work” day, I try to do some work Monday to Friday, if only to get some pattern of schedule. I did some stuff, renewed my food stamps being the big one…. but I feel so empty, so dissatisfied, and I can’t think of anything I could do to change it
Maybe one of these jobs will come through, that would be a form of relief, 40 hours a week I don’t have to try to justify myself. In the meantime…. I don’t know. I’m lucky to be able to rest, and to not have to worry about starving or becoming homeless as a result of my inactivity. Guilt though, because I don’t feel that I deserve it.
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I’m on fmla and I feel every bit of this post. I started having my fiance give me something to do in the morning. I don’t deserve the help she has given me.