I don’t know if it’s because of my education or just intuition, but meaningful dreams are usually pretty revealing for me. I don’t need a dream dictionary to figure out the metaphor, because I’m all about metaphor.
I’ve been having anxiety dreams about not belonging/being unwanted. Quite a few of them revolve around my granddad’s house and that side of the family. There is some bitterness there, because I spent his declining years with him more than anyone else, and he didn’t leave me anything. It wasn’t for the money, but you’d think he would have left something, a book, anything to indicate to me that I mattered to him. Maybe the time is all I’ll ever have.
Yesterday I went to therapy, and in more brutal terms than normal expressed that I am sick of casting pearls before swine. I work intensely hard, any time I get the chance, and still I’m expected to approach hat in hand, kneeling BEGGING. Worse still, even then the employers don’t hire me. It’s this weird contradiction, because I don’t think I’m a waste of space, it’s an impression I only get from the way employers treat me. So my point of view is that I want to stop feeding it, stop wasting energy on people who cannot appreciate me.
The problem is what comes after that. Society seems more accepting of people who cannot function romantically, it isn’t nearly the black mark that being unemployable is.
Anyway, the dream. In the dream I returned to my granddad’s house, and I had left some of my stuff in one of the rooms, I guess I was living there for a bit…. but I come back and find that my uncle and aunt have thrown away all the stuff I left. Instantly my rage breaks through, I storm out of the house. My mom comes and talks to me on the front yard, it’s her family, trying to calm me down. I tell her I never want to speak to or see anyone in that extended family again. That level of disrespect will not stand, I won’t take it anymore.
I keep walking, meanwhile she’s behind me, crying, begging me to come back and apologize.
The parallels are pretty big here. I feel like I should get more support from extended family, but it isn’t happening particularly because they are all living relatively far away. Except the uncle who owns granddad’s house, but he’s really busy.
The point though is that I love them, they’re really high up there on the people I care about scale, but there exists a level of disrespect that I could not tolerate even from them. The disrespect employers have been giving me is worse than that, and frankly employers have done all they can to short and steal from my family, we don’t owe them a thing
1 comment
I admire your self-awareness and your self-appreciation despite being in a place that gives you none.