Does it ever fucking END?

I’ve been like this for 3 years now. My memory doesn’t even work anymore, everything is just a blur to me. Sometimes it’s crystal clear but today I barely remember a thing. I started working out and I started waking up earlier… 7:30 AM every day. It’s been three weeks and now I want to die. I thought that if I just kept pushing maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad but today is just not a good day.
Two days ago I felt awesome and now the past couple of days I want to die, and literally nothing changed except that I masturbated a week ago then felt nauseous and screamed and gave my dog a bone and then cried for 20 minutes. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.
I have all these “plans” that I have no idea how I’m going to achieve. I went to an orthodox church and I didn’t understand what they were saying because the liturgy was in church slavonic. And I tried to go a few more times but of course I still didn’t understand.
I’m still trying to quit porn so that situation hasn’t changed in the past 9 years. It’s getting better, I think. But in the end, I don’t have anything to do so I just go back to that. Maybe I should just practice my guitar. I learned to play a full song then I kinda lost interest in it because I couldn’t figure out how to play bar chords.
I gave a homeless man food and 200 euros yesterday because he said he needed the money to go back to his family in Romania. It’s strange, lots of people say they feel happy when doing charity but I don’t feel anything at all. I don’t even care about the money I gave him. I hope he gets to meet his family though and doesn’t spend it on something else.
I have my dog, I guess. My dog is my friend. I also pray and read the bible everyday for the past couple of months. It helped the whole time but the past couple of days I’ve just felt horrible regardless. Who knows. It’s probably because I watched porn, or because I was hypomanic on Monday. Both maybe.
I honestly hate myself. I don’t have anyone to talk to, but I also don’t really try to talk to anyone. I feel like everyone in my life is just tired of dealing with me. Nobody even knows who I am. I don’t know either but it’s a little weird that my own family who I’ve lived with for almost 19 years now doesn’t know who I am either.
I don’t feel empty or sad or depressed I just don’t feel anything I guess. I do feel quite a bit of pain because I worked out yesterday. I was too tired to think so I decided to just work out instead. I made a substack a couple weeks ago and then I deleted it yesterday. Doesn’t really matter.
Even though I have so much to do, I don’t feel like there’s anything for me to do. If there’s anything I dream of constantly it is to die. That’s my greatest desire, death. I’m trying not to, but the thought keeps entering my mind every day. So yeah, does it ever end? I remember I met someone on this forum who had been depressed for over 50 years. Is that all there is to life? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll get better somehow, some day.