It’s so hard to find the motivation to do anything. Realistically, even if I work my ass off and do everything right in pursuing a goal, I know it’s never going to be what I want it to be. There might still be things that are worth doing in life, that are meaningful. But it’s never going to be satisfying. There are always going to be fundamental parts of me that go unfulfilled. And I don’t know how to stop fixating on them. Whenever something reminds me of them it triggers my mind into this loop of longing, regret, and despair. And then nothing that is actually possible for me seems worth working for. The only things I want from life become the things I can’t have. So why bother? So I loop back to pondering suicide, before eventually figuring out for the 60 billionth time that it fits less well with my goals.
My mind, my personality, my self; it’s just too fucked to function. I’m too broken to be fixed. It’s like an infected computer where the virus has taken over the core operating systems. It would need a factory reset, a clean wipe of everything.
3 comments
then perhaps reset is something you can do; throw out all old assumptions and attitudes, question everything
maybe you’ll still end up where you still are, but you’ll get clarity of motivation and vision
the only “too late” I know of is being completely dead… up until that point the possibilities are wide open. It doesn’t feel that way because that’s scarier than knowing who and where you are. “who” is a highly fluid concept, and most of the time so is “where”
I think I have a reasonably clear idea of what my motivations are. The problem is that they’re incredibly conflicted, in a way that is impossible to reconcile into a coherent approach to life. So anything I do in pursuit of one aspect is constantly undermined by conflict with the others. No matter what I do, it feels wrong.
My fundamental core motivations are corrupted. I wouldn’t know how to genuinely throw out my assumptions and attitudes – I could pretend to see things in a different way, but I don’t know how I could actually believe or feel otherwise than I do. The same mind I would use to question everything would be that which is full of the previous corrupt assumptions.
There are plenty of possibilities still open, it’s just that a lot of the time, I struggle to care about them. Some things it really is too late for, some doors are closed, and those unfortunately tend to be what my mind fixates on. Not knowing who and where you are would be indeed scary – I’m not sure how any human would function without some sort of conception of that. I agree that personal identity can be fluid, but we’re not normally conscious of that fact – we hold narratives of ourselves that slowly change over time.
Motivation vs Discipline, discipline always wins in becoming productive https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eBmVv2P-v2s