I hesitate to complain, because on several important metrics I’m doing better; namely eating and sleeping…
but apart from that surface level surviving…. I’m not so sure. I have some promising leads…. which I should follow up on. I tell myself I want to follow up on…. but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Even if I get these couple things off my books…. the fear is more is coming…. and it’s just fruitless. I’m so sick of trying my butt off, and it doesn’t result in anything.
I don’t know if I need to convince myself this time is different…. or if I just need to lay back and let it happen…
All I know is that most of the time I just want to disassociate and sleep. I’ve never had as much of a bad reaction to the cold as I do now. It’s just… frustrating. I could be more, I could do more, but it isn’t in me to make it happen.
1 comment
Hey Viking, we can all be a lil heartless sometimes lol. I’m glad you’re doing better on certain metrics. I can understand the roughness of ups and downs and the hope and desires. For me at times, it’s like in this hamster stuck in a wheel running and running. Always trying, but never really getting anywhere in the end. Even when I am finally able to or successfully take a step forward, something out of my actual control in anyway happens to knock me three backs and it sucks. It’s hard to deal with at times. If life is giving you chances and opportunities then keep taking them. Do the best you can with them. Hopefully you’ll find one that will succeed. I’ve been through a lot myself, some was in my control and was my fault, but not all. I’ve hung in there as best as I could, and I’m still hanging in there now. I’m not on this site regularly. On and off. Sometimes just hoping to see an old name from when I was on this site a lot more many years ago. Talking to people and listening to people on here can be helpful. It helped me before. Stay with it man. Don’t lose yourself in this chaotic maze called life.