Tomorrow is my last therapy appointment with this therapist, so there won’t be time to process this, and I need to.
Last night I had a dream that I was working as a teacher’s assistant in my old elementary school. I’m no Freudian, but it’s where the dream went next that really made it stick. I was trying to find my way back to my car, and I ended up in the middle school I went to, a separate entire building, and they were renovating it. Some sort of school official came by by they wouldn’t help me get out, we ended up walking around bits of that school which I remember.
I didn’t do well, discipline speaking, in school. That elementary school? I got in trouble over and over, countless trips to the office. That was also the worst time of my life in terms of medication. I don’t even know if I have a single accurate memory of that time of my life.
The time in the elementary school though, it was strangely positive. I connected with the students, and seemed to develop a good relationship with the teacher I was under… which I interpret as an attempt to make peace with those demons, the ones that led to me being enrolled in a private Christian school for middle school.
Being trapped in that Christian school though, that was the point where I thought things were coming together, but instead they got worse. It’s the last time I remember trying to conform….. and it didn’t end well. These conflicts carried on through my adult life…. I’ve never been much of a fan of the system…. or those that conform to it. I’ve always liked people like myself, those who can’t fit, no matter how hard they try.
I don’t think I’m going to make peace with it, not today anyway. That pain, being unwanted, not belonging, it is still very much the pain I feel now. I did everything I was supposed to, graduated university, held down multiple respectable jobs, but every time I didn’t fit, and when it all imploded, no one was there to save me.
It’s also a major conflict because I want to have children, but there is no way in hell I’d raise them in the backwater hell that I was raised in. That would be child abuse in my view. Which I suppose would mean that I think that I experienced child abuse.
Maybe, but I don’t think my parents knew that they were subjecting me to it, and I don’t know how much choice they had in the whole thing.
1 comment
I’m glad you made it out of that upbringing and can see it for what it is. Abusers rarely see what they’re doing as abuse right? My dad used to talk about the ‘cycle of abuse’ a lot between what he would do lol.
I didnt grow up in same circumstance but I get the feeling of not fitting and resenting the systems and institutions around you too.
Your dream is pretty interesting, I’m not big on the idea that every dream is a subconscious message or anything either but it does seem like we can interpret our dreams in ways that make us reflect on things in our life at least, that’s how I see it at least. I like to keep notes on what I think I can remember from my dreams (: