Tonight at work I called the police for a wellness check on one of our customers. It was clear she was really, really fucked up on drugs and I was genuinely concerned for her wellbeing. She was so fucked up I couldn’t tell what she was on or if she had overdosed or what. All I wanted is to help.
Police came and arrested her for an outstanding warrant and I felt and still feel terrible. Had I not called them, she would not be arrested. I live by one rule only: harm none, and I violated that tonight even if it was not intentional. It is not my job to get people arrested when she did nothing wrong in my store.
Tried to tell my coworkers how bad I felt. One said he didn’t feel sorry for her. The other said I should’nt feel bad. Tried to talk to my dad. He said I shouldn’t feel bad. They said she might have died. Yeah, ok, next time I’ll call the fucking squad. I did what I was trained to do in an effort to help someone.
All of this aside, I don’t need to be told what I SHOULD feel. The fact is I DO FEEL WHAT I FEEL, and whether someone agrees or not – and they sure as fuck don’t need to – for fuck’s sake just acknowledge that I feel terrible. Acknowledge that I feel guilty, whether or not you think I am. Just PLEASE FUCKING HEAR ME. I AM HURTING AND I FEEL AWFUL. I don’t need to be cheered up- I just want to be heard. That’s it.
I’m getting drunk and hopefully not waking up tomorrow. I’m not suicidal over this incident tonight – it’s a whole fucking long list that no one will listen to, either.
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3 comments
I hear you Elliecats. I get it. Sorry it turned out this way. Thanks for wanting to help someone, there’s a serious shortage of give-a-shit anymore.
i totally get this and gotta commend you on owning your mistakes. i think there’s some value in accepting when a disaster is our fault even if we had the best intentions, we need to stare it in the face, no excuses, and if we accept it then we’ll be a little bit stronger, wiser and better humans. i can also see why your coworkers are tossing platitudes to make you feel better, they don’t know what else to say. but you’re right sometimes we don’t want any “help” we just want to be heard and understood. so fwiw i hear you. i’ve made mistakes that ended in deaths, i don’t want anyone telling me it’s not my fault so i just don’t talk about it.
I hear you. I’m listening. If you ever want to vent or something, I’m here to listen and, if you want me to, talk.