last session with that therapist….. I probably shone on a bit more that I was getting better…. which I doubt.
Two weeks now I’ve been trying to find the energy to do the last task on my to do list to get into grad school…. and it just isn’t coming.
I don’t have enough positive anticipation. I’m worried that even if I do get every document in…. they’ll say no anyway. That’s par for the course in my life; I do what is required of me….. still doesn’t amount to anything.
And my parents seem really optimistic about this thing….. maybe they’re just trying to cheer me up but it’s a lot of pressure
Now I have at least three weeks to wait for a new therapist…. and that means I don’t want to put myself out there, taking risks and having hope are the rocks my dreams have repeatedly been washed up on.
It’s also new years…. people all over are doing their “gonna be a better person” schtick, and here I am thinking that is the height of self delusion.
I’m weening myself off cannabis, for financial reasons. If I kept up like I have been…. it’s $75 a month worth of product I’ve been using. It feels great, it’s just I’m not sure I’m getting $75 worth of value in return.
All that to say; I’m grateful for this site, at least I don’t have to struggle alone. All you wonderful misfits survived another year of hell, that’s impressive. Just remember that every day lived is one fewer you have to dread, and I’ll try and remember that too.
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That feeling of not having enough positive anticipation, that’s the real killer isn’t it? Especially if you’ve experienced failure, your brain eventually learns that work does not always equal rewards. From there follows inertia, leading to more failure and missed opportunites, repeat until they stick you in the ground.
I would say try giving it one last explosive effort. If nothing else you can go out with an epic failure rather than a slow decay. Grad school would be a life changer for sure, but even if you get flushed by 20 schools you can feel the satisfaction of being rejected by the world rather than rejecting yourself.
That’s sort of the situation I’m in right now, not with grad school but with a different ambition which has a low success rate. Most days it feels like I’m racing toward a dead end. But other days I’m like hell, at least I’ll slam my face into a dead end at full speed rather than die napping along the path. Coffee helps….